Dealing with the Loss of a Pet

Since I started this blog, I've written on a lot of difficult and personal matters. This blog post is easily the hardest. Earlier this week, I lost a true love of my life - my cat, Rocco. It's difficult to talk about it and hard to not tear up at the thought of him but I think writing a blog post is a good way to answer questions and to honor his memory.

I got Rocco about 8 1/2 years ago. I missed having a dog when I went to college and as soon as I moved into an apartment, I knew I wanted to get a cat to fill that void. My ex and I found a craigslist post for cute little Tabby and Siamese kittens and decided to check them out. As soon as he sat down, Callie hopped into his lap and we knew she was coming home with us. We thought she would enjoy a playmate and I wanted to pick out a kitten too so I picked up the only white one in the litter. He put his paws on my mouth and it felt like he was picking me too. Over the course of his life, touching my face with his dirty little paws was always something he would do and I felt like it was his little way of showing me a kind of affection he didn't do with everyone.

It was impossible to not love Rocco. I can't even count the number of visitors we had who didn't like cats but absolutely loved when the fat guy jumped into their laps. He was so incredibly popular. He had so many quirks that people just couldn't help but fall in love with him whether it was the way he licked his paws when you scratched his back or how he loved to roll over and show you his tummy like he was a puppy. It speaks volumes that most of my pictures of him have him on my lap or in my arms.

One of many cuddle selfies we took

I always knew in the bottom of my heart that he wouldn't live long. When your cat is that overweight and no diets work, it's only a matter of time. Every time he wanted to sit on my lap and I didn't want him to, I would remember that maybe someday I wouldn't have him anymore and how much I would miss those lap sits, and let him have it. I told myself he would get to 5, but 5 came and went and he didn't have any problems. It wasn't until 8 that his age really started to show, and when he got sick a few weeks ago, I feared the worst. When your fat cat stops eating, something is seriously wrong. He didn't get better after antibiotics and dropping him off by his bowl every morning did nothing to excite him about eating.

It absolutely killed me when we had to go out of town before he was better. I told my roommate how to encourage him to eat and told Callie to take care of her brother while we were gone. I was feeling so optimistic when Alex told me Rocco was eating again. Dan and I were so hopeful that maybe our special guy was finally doing better.

One sick kitty

Our trip to SoCal was pretty jam packed with an apartment search all day Saturday, volunteering to help the Disney race Sunday morning and then going to the theme park Sunday afternoon. It was supposed to be an amazing weekend but when we were leaving the Haunted Mansion and my phone rang, my heart sank. I knew this wasn't going to be a good call.


You always wonder where you want to be when you get the worst news. Obviously no place is good, but the happiest place on Earth? Definitely near the bottom. Turns out people look at you really weird when you're sobbing in line at Disneyland. Dan told me we could leave if I wanted to. The thing is though - what was better - being sad at a place designed to distract you from problems or being sad at home where it was the only thing I would think of? I decided to stay and after a couple of hours I was able to calm down and enjoy some of the rest of the day.

People have probably been wondering how I'm doing. The short answer is that it comes and goes. With everything else going on in my life, it's easy to find distractions. However, when I think about him and how much I'm going to miss him, I well up with tears. It's only been a couple of days and I know that there is still so much more of this to sink in.

Anyone who has spent time around Dan and I know that I constantly bug him about getting a puppy. Moving was going to help make that possible, but the first time it came up after Rocco passed, I turned to him and said "I don't want a puppy any more. Pets just get sick and leave you." He reminded me that it's about how much we love them while they are alive, even if it's not nearly long enough. While Rocco will never be replaced, we feel the hole he is leaving will be better filled by a dog so maybe when we are settled into our new home and our hearts don't hurt as much, we'll look into finding a dog that will love us and cuddle with us and sit on our laps even if it's much too big.

So all in all, things are really really sad right now, but we are getting through it. Callie is really trying to sit on laps and even if she doesn't really understand how to relax and just enjoy it, we appreciate the effort. Dealing with loss really isn't easy and there's just less of a desire to do much of anything. Even wine doesn't sound too appealing right now and mostly I just want to put my head against Dan's chest and cry.

If you've made it this far, you can probably guess what comes next. I'm probably going to slow down my blog posts for a couple of months. There will probably be a couple more before the end of the year but I need some time to grieve and pack. Writing is just so full of emotion and thinking and those two things are a little drained for me right now.

Last but not least, I really appreciate all the love and support we've received in the last few days. Even though it makes me tear up when I read your messages, I'm so happy that my kitty touched so many hearts in his short life.