A Year of Brooke

I remember everything about where I was exactly one a year ago. I was anxious and scared. I was about to have my first surgery, my first IV, my first hospital stay, my first baby. While some of that was inevitable, all of it at once, when I very much wanted a natural birth, was overwhelming.

And now, a year later, it all seems like nothing. The surgery went smoothly. The recovery was hard, but fast. The first few months with a newborn are all about adjusting to your new lifestyle, a new person in your life... and then you do, and the fun really starts.

Don't get me wrong, a baby is hard. We often say we're so lucky to have an easy baby, but even so there are still middle of the night wake ups, there's still crying, there's still early mornings, there's still the endless chasing of a small person that wants to put everything in their mouths. And who knows - maybe our baby isn't easy. We just realized she was generally happy and when she cried, there was always a reason. Sometimes we even figured out what that reason was!

Despite all of that work though, it's worth it. To see this little person that you created learn a new skill, or find something they enjoy, is such a wonderful feeling. Don't even get me started about baby giggles. I thrive on baby giggles. 33 years of trying to be cool went out the window when I discovered baby giggles. I will do any silly dance, make any weird voice, and do all the wacky faces for those baby giggles. She's the only one whose opinion I care about.

I love seeing her become the person she's going to be. From her looks (my big eyes, but Dan's color) to her personality (1000% mom!), every day she becomes a little more herself.

Going through a major pandemic with a baby is also interesting. Having Dan home to help out with her is definitely a blessing but otherwise, navigating this time can be tricky. There is no guide book. Are we missing out on some major milestones by having our child mostly isolated? By not being able to go to museums and zoos and all the fun stuff we had planned? I do have to say though, we did end up in a pretty lucky time in our lives for this to happen. We had our wedding and baby shower. We don't have to balance Brooke's education on top of everything. Having a baby definitely keeps us from getting bored day to day. Hopefully, by the time it really is important for her to socialize, this will be over.

Being a parent is full of things to feel mixed about but the one I grapple with a lot is the passing of time. I simultaneously want this baby to stay little forever and also want her to be 23 so we can sit around drinking wine and gossiping together like my mom and I did in the adult years we had together. There are so many moments in between that I look forward to as well - trips to theme parks and museums and doing lots of fun activities together.

And that's the thing about watching your kid grow up. Each new moment you think "this is the best, way better than the last stage. I love this." and then they learn a new thing and it gets a little better. Sure, I also miss the days when all she could do was cuddle on my chest and not get into every little thing around the house... but the latter is way more interesting.

So that's it - we have 1 year down and still soooo much more to experience with our wonderful, smart, loving, curious, and wild little girl. Happy Birthday Brooke!

Breech, Birth, Breastfeeding, and Beyond

I had a baby! It's been a wild ride and I've had lots of thoughts (of course). This post has been a long time coming but a new baby means less free time so here goes.

Breech

I haven't thought of myself as being a type A personality in years (maybe since I left finance half a dozen years ago), but that's what I am. I need a plan and for everything to be organized and in place. While it's relaxed in some areas over time like not micro managing my vacations - when I think about it, so many areas of my life that need structure and schedule in order for me to feel calm about my life.

In pregnancy, that kind of organization came in really helpful. When I wasn't feeling 100%, it helped me prioritize the things that were important to me. It helped me have a plan for throwing our own (pretty large) baby shower. I took apart all the things we had to do to prepare for baby and tackled them one week at a time so that we were basically ready the whole last month. It lead me to reading 5 pregnancy/birth books and come up with a strategy to have a kickass, natural birth.

The downside is that babies are unpredictable. Every person, baby, and pregnancy is different. Even though I had a plan for everything, my baby decided to be breech. Let's just say, I didn't take this news well. First, I was pissed. I had been asking my doctor about the baby's position, and she said "It seems like the butt is probably up, but I'll do an ultrasound at 36 weeks. We can't try to move them earlier than that." Well, the doctors can't do anything earlier, but natural flipping like exercises, chiropractors, massage, and acupuncture are more likely to work the earlier you can start. Even though I tried some of these techniques, the odds of them working were diminishing. I cried when the reality that I'd have a c-section set it. And finally, I sucked it up and decided I'd have to be calm about what I was going to go through.

This was devastating news to me, but also a big reminder that life doesn't go your way and you have to deal with it. I could have continued to be mad and sad about it, but that wouldn't help anything. Of course, it wasn't ideal but I decided to be calm instead. I also got to have my baby the week I wanted, so there was that.

Birth

For me, the pregnancy experience was as important as the baby. I wanted to know what it was like to grow a human... and that includes giving birth. I was so prepared for a natural birth (and also understood that it might not go that way!). I wanted to know what it felt like to have contractions or your water break and make that run to the hospital. I wanted to yell at Dan and push and give birth to a baby. I've heard so many women say giving birth made them feel so strong and it was an incredible experience despite the pain.

I didn't get any of that.

I do not tell anyone that I gave birth, I say, "I had a baby" because I didn't do anything... birth happened to me. I feel robbed of that experience and it was one of the reasons I was so upset about the breech situation.

With that said... I had a really pleasant experience. To me, a c-section was a very undesirable outcome (also it's bizarre that you're awake through a major abdominal surgery!!), and I think the operating team knows that so they try to make it as easy for you as possible. It's definitely surreal having an appointment to give birth, but that's what it was. We showed up at the hospital, I filled out some papers and paid a deductible, was monitored and hooked up to the IVs. They checked that the baby was still breech and then I walked into an operating room where they numbed me up.

What really made the experience enjoyable was the operating team. Every nurse and the doctor kept saying we were going to a birthday party and were so enthusiastic. Dan and I were like "Oh, I guess it is a birthday!" We hadn't thought of it that way. During the procedure, you really feel nothing. When the baby was born, they announced it was a girl and we had our little Brooke! I got a decent amount of time with the baby before they took her away, and I was able to do skin to skin within the hour. I didn't have any issues breastfeeding or with my milk coming in.

I'm not going to lie, having surgery is still rough. I had about 12 hours where I was hooked up to IVs and catheters and after that I was expected to try to walk (do the walk though - it helps you heal faster!). Being in good shape helped a lot though and I was able to go home a day earlier than most c-section patients. The recovery is the hardest part for sure and the hardest part of the recovery were actually the days that I felt good - I had a false sense of healing and would quickly over do it and be in pain. It's also weird that in some ways, the recovery was easier than late pregnancy. You're  a normal size and you can move your body easier (and no more sciatic or pelvic pain!), but then you do something and the incision starts hurting. However, after about 4 weeks, I started feeling better for real and was cleared to exercise at 6 weeks.

I just have to reiterate - being in shape helped a lot! By the time I found out Brooke was breech, it was too late to get in shape. Having already been there through my pregnancy and the recovery was so helpful in easing the process.

Breastfeeding

Breastfeeding is hard. I don't want to scare anyone away from it but it's hard. I found the lactation consultants and all the information people throw at you to be really overwhelming. You're trying to do this seemingly natural thing and you have someone going "drop the shoulder! don't hold her head! rub your nipple in her face!" and then they slam a baby's mouth onto your breast.. and of course you're totally unable to recreate this situation once they leave. You also have nurses examining your nipples and reporting anything they think may be an issue. It's a lot.

So.. it's no surprise that I went home and totally did it wrong. First - when they tell you it's not supposed to hurt, that's very misleading. It's not supposed to hurt a lot. You're not supposed to bleed or have severe pain. However, it does kind of hurt, especially at the beginning of a feed. It's also a lot to get used to how much friction your nipples are going through now. They have to toughen up. It's totally normal to be sore.

Soreness was just one issue that I faced. I also had blocked ducts, a minor case of mastitis, a lanolin allergy (that stuff the nurses give you to ease the soreness, that I was basically lathering on for 4 weeks straight and wondering why I was still hurting)... all in the first month! I was just lucky that I had a solid milk supply and a baby that loved to breastfeed. Once we realized that she wasn't latching correctly and not getting enough milk to gain weight, I was able to adjust and feed her properly (including supplementing with some bottles of breast milk).

However, once those issues worked out, it got so much better. Brooke got better at latching and I was in pain less. Our middle of the night sessions that used to be a nightmare, became a breeze as she'd quickly latch on and drink for 10-20 minutes before falling back asleep. She started gaining about an ounce a day. I didn't need to supplement with bottles as often because her nursing got so much more efficient. I learned how to adjust my supply and built up a freezer stash (that had depleted with the mastitis. The original supply was collected in a Haakaa just from leaking. It's still an issue and I've collected about two ounces just while writing this post.).

I'd read that this usually happens around 3-4 weeks. It took us about 5-6. That's why I wanted to say that it's really hard and it's different for everyone but if this is something you want to do DON'T GIVE UP. There were so many times I was hurting or frustrated and just wanted to give up. Giving the bottled breast milk helped a lot, but I also just needed to tough it out. Sometimes it feels like I got all the pain I missed from childbirth spread out over the weeks of learning how to breastfeed.

Also - I read somewhere to not waste money on nursing clothes. Forget that! Buy what makes you comfortable. Yes, you can probably just get bras and wear loose t-shirts. However, after birth, you're probably going to be a different size. I really liked buying some nursing dresses and tops so I had some clothes I fit into while I work on getting back into shape. In general, I've bought so many things to help with breastfeeding that it's a little ridiculous. How did cavemen do this?

Beyond

And now we have a baby!!! It's still surreal to me that we have this little person that we're totally in charge of. It simultaneously feels like we borrowed her and also that she's always been part of our family. It's such a weird adjustment, but we love her and can't wait to see how she develops.

Motherhood is surreal. You hear a lot of women talk about the surge of emotions they have after giving birth... but I didn't give birth. It took about a day but the first surge I had was just holding her, this perfect little innocent baby, and realizing that some day someone would make fun of her, or hurt her, or break her heart and why would anyone do that to this little baby??? It's still crazy to think about, especially with all the pain in the world, and to also realize that everyone was someone's baby once.

Harley has also taken well to motherhood. We were worried about her being jealous (and the barking, which to be honest, is definitely a huge issue still) but instead she instead went into protective mama bear mode. It took her about a day to realize Brooke was an important, defenseless puppy and needed her full attention. She sleeps by the bassinet and always has to get a good sniff when we bring Brooke home to make sure she's ok. We constantly joke that Brooke is her baby. Callie has sniffed the baby like twice since we brought her home and could not be reached for comment.

One of the hardest parts for me, has been feeling a little cut off. People say they'll visit but few do (those few are amazing though). I know I've been guilty of this as well, but it's tough being on the receiving end. I had thoughts that Brooke and I would leave the house a lot during my maternity leave but I find it a lot harder than I expected because it throws off her eating and sleeping schedule. I'm hoping it will get better as she gets a little bigger.

This 6 week mark has been big for us. I feel so much better from the birth and surgery. Brooke is starting to smile and interact. We're getting used to our new life, and figuring out how things are going to work day-to-day long term. We're lucky that we've had a relatively easy baby but she does still cry when she's hungry or wants cuddles (sometimes just from Mom) and that can be tiring. For all of the work though, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

The Final Countdown: Baby is Coming!!!

We're near the end!!!! I wanted to do one more update before the baby is born  about how the third trimester has gone. I've been working on a total pregnancy round up as well with my thoughts on things that were helpful in managing symptoms during my pregnancy. For now, I just want to talk about how the last 12 weeks have gone for me.

Symptoms

The third trimester has been a little up and down for me. I definitely started feeling more tired and achy as I was dealing with my body being bigger and more difficult to move around. But the energy... that's been the most interesting to me. Early on in this trimester I was definitely feeling the fatigue (but not to the same level as the first trimester). As my pregnancy progressed though, I started drinking more raspberry leaf tea and eating dates to prepare for labor. I found that my energy got a lot better at the same time. As long as I slept decently, I could be really productive throughout the day. Instead of giving it all to my job and then crashing, I was able to get done the last of my baby chores and then cook a bunch of fun things (which has been nice therapy for me). I've read dates are great for energy so I definitely think that's been a big part of it.

My workout now

What's been more difficult are the aches with late pregnancy. Around 34 weeks, I started getting really bad pelvic pain. This is pretty normal but it was aggravated by certain movements like too much walking or exercise. That was my cue that it was time to stop going to the gym. Walking was tough - it's really good in pregnancy but too much and I 'd be in a lot of pain. Dan and I really tried to find a balance of shorter, flat walks that I could do. I also found swimming to be a nice relief and tried to go to the pool a little more.

Danger Alert

Throughout this pregnancy, and more so this last trimester, I've felt an overwhelming alertness to the dangers around me. I'm a little bit clumsy and a little bit daring generally... but in pregnancy my brain is more like "I can trip just walking through my house!!" I'm sure this is a normal feeling but sometimes I'm so preoccupied thinking of ways I might get hurt, that I almost stumble. It's definitely weird feeling like your body is so much more fragile than you're used to thinking of it. A year ago I was doing obstacle races and now I'm like "should I stand on this chair to get the bowl on the top shelf?"

I've heard some moms imply that this doesn't really go away. You see all the ways your children could get hurt and are always on preventative. At a BBQ the other day I definitely found myself really alert to any dangers the kids there could get into!

Nesting

I'm a pretty organized person. I've found that not having things ready gives me some anxiety and I tackled baby prep the same way I tackled the wedding and the same way I tackle most projects - I make lists and break things into smaller projects and knock out one thing at a time. Trying to get at least one thing done a week when you have a lot of time to prepare for a big event, helps break it down into something manageable.

The third trimester has been huge for this. A lot of our planning was getting to the baby shower and once that was done, I was very eager to get the nursery and everything else ready. It left us in a place where most things were done with over a month to go which was a really nice feeling. Now that we're down to days until the baby comes, we just have little housekeeping things to do - washing bottles, some dusting or tidying - nothing major.

It's funny how nesting affects people differently. I'm not a cleaning person. I love cooking and I'm cool with laundry but I hate cleaning things (I like them to be clean, it's just my least favorite chore). In my final weeks of pregnancy though I find myself going over areas of the house with the duster and cleaning wipes to get things as ready as possible. Dan is great with cleaning but a couple of weeks ago he went IN DEPTH with it. I pointed out he was nesting too and he said, "I always clean." The next day one of my pregnancy apps had an article about dad's nesting instincts because it's totally a thing.

Birth Classes

As your due date approaches, it's good to think about birth classes. All of the pregnancy books I read, said not to go to the classes at the hospital and instead to do Lamaze or Hypnobirthing or some natural based class. Well, the hospital classes were a fraction of the cost (babies are expensive, we have to think about these things!) and I'm giving birth at the hospital so we decided to take those classes and see what my options are at their facility. There was always the option to take the other classes later if we felt the need (we didn't but I did read a hypnobirthing book to get an idea of that technique as well).

And honestly... I loved them. I don't know if it's the hospital's agenda or our teacher's philosophy (and she was trained in some of the other methods!), but the class actually followed a lot of my ideas of how I'd like my birth to go. Instead of saying we needed to be strapped in and pumped full of drugs, she explained methods of opening your pelvis and having your partner help relax you through labor. It was not what I was expecting from the hospital at all, but it was exactly the kind of class I was looking for.

Birth Plan

So going off of that - let's talk about my plan. I won't go into every detail, but generally, I like the idea of a natural birth. To me, it's always made sense that being able to walk around, sit on a ball, squat, etc is a more natural way for a baby to come out than laying down. You can't walk around if you have an epidural. I don't think there is anything wrong with women who go that route, I just want to try it another way. I'm hoping that with my level of fitness and the types of torture I've voluntarily put my body through, that birth will just be another physical challenge - with the best reward at the end.

And I'm realistic. Giving birth feels like planning a wedding in a way. If you have a strict vision of how it has to go and are going to get upset if anything goes wrong - you're going to have a bad time. The best case is plan for your ideal situation, do everything you can to make that happen, and roll with the things that you can't control. I know I might be like "Forget this! Give me the drugs!" I may need a c-section. This might be a miserable experience. But it might not be, and I'd like to go into this with a calm mind and preparing for my ideal birth but being able to roll with anything that could happen.

What a Breech!

...which is where I am now. At my last appointment the doctor told us baby was breech. About 4% of babies end up in this position at the time of birth (so it's not very common and we have a chance of turning this around!). However, if baby stays in the wrong place, we'll have to have a scheduled c-section.

This was NOT part of my plan. I did a lot of research on everything I could possibly do to avoid a c-section. I've never had a surgery before and didn't want to start now. Dan also had some concerns after a friend had a traumatic birth last year.

That's one way to flip a baby

But what are our options? We could freak out and cry and be dramatic about it or we could stay calm and do all the exercises that may flip the baby and hope it all works out. If it doesn't, we do the surgery and take comfort knowing that a scheduled c-section is a very safe procedure, even if it's still major abdominal surgery. I've definitely been a little sad about it since getting the news but my focus has just been on staying calm and looking at the positives (we get baby a week early! scheduled c-section is easier to recover from than emergency c-section!).

Making Time for Me

If there's one thing I'm sure of (and just one thing - everything else about the birth and having a baby is up in the air!) it's that our lives are going to change when the baby comes. Everyone talks about the sleepless nights and how much work it is but I know there's no way I can fully understand until I'm there.

So it's been nice that my last trimester has been relatively easy. It's also come with a slump at work so the last month for me has been a really unstressful time. I've been able to read and take it really easy. No matter what kind of birth I have, it will require me to be calm and having a low key last month has been really nice for getting into that mindset. I'm just trying to enjoy my quiet time before I'm changing diapers, feeding every two hours, and trying to calm a crying baby. I don't know when I'll have a time in my life like this again.

That's where I am leading into my last couple of weeks of pregnancy. There's nothing too exciting to report, just that I'm hanging in here and trying to go into a super zen place as I prepare for birth. Those who know me, know that patience and tranquility are not really my strong suits, but I've found this real calmness throughout my whole pregnancy. I've been trying to focus in on it during this last stretch so I can really tap into that if I'm able to have a natural birth. I'm excited about what's to come though. I can't wait to see what my baby looks like and what kind of personality this kid will have. I am eagerly awaiting my first glass of wine, sushi, and being able to exercise in a couple of months. I look forward to baby wearing and going on long stroller walks to museums and the zoo while I'm on maternity leave. The pregnancy part of the journey is ending but we're starting a whole new set of adventures and we welcome a whole new person into our family.

The force is strong in my family!

2nd Trimester Updates

I don't want you to think this blog is all baby posts. I've actually been working on something really cool and informative. I started the post and had SO MUCH information that I realized it would make more sense as two posts... and as I was working on the first part, I realized that was really long too and it should actually be a series. I'm not sure how to break it up yet so I think I should write the whole thing and then figure it out... so there's been some delay. In the meantime, here's an update on me though!

Third Trimester!!!

I'm 2/3 of the way through my pregnancy! It's exciting to hit the final stretch and the last three months have been a world different than the first three. They say the second trimester is the best trimester and so far it feels right. Now that I'm starting my third trimester, I still feel really good but I can tell my body is turning a corner and things are getting a little less comfortable. It's changing slowly so I'm trying to still enjoy the times I feel great.

Energy

I didn't realize how tired I was the first trimester, until I wasn't anymore. First trimester fatigue is kind of like depression. You're not just tired - you don't want to do annyyyttthiiinnngggg. Being tired or sleepy is one thing but all I was able to do most of the time was watch bad reality tv and read things online. I didn't even have the energy to focus on good tv or read a book.

Now my energy is amazing most days. I've always been someone who crashes in the afternoon so it's hard to tell if my 4pm sleepiness is pregnancy or just my normal internal clock. the rest of the day, I'm good. I've been able to double time my productivity at work and around the house which is great for preparing for baby (and finally changing my name!!!). I've loved being able to knock out projects and feel close to normal.

We even went on a hike!
I slept for like 2 days after this... but we did it!!

Dealing with Symptoms

Luckily, the second trimester is pretty symptom light! Despite having more energy, I still have days where I totally crash and just want to nap. They're more spread out and can be avoided when I go to sleep early and sleep well (which is harder to control). Other than that, it's just getting used to have a bigger body and some of the side effects that come from your body making room for baby. I won't get into the details but compared to morning sickness, it's all minorly inconvenient.

Exercise

This one is bittersweet for me. On one hand, I've been able to get back to the gym semi-regularly. It's nothing like what I was doing before but getting into class twice a week and sometimes making it to the YMCA to swim has felt so good. I honestly feel like being able to exercise and eat normally again have helped make the last few months of pregnancy really smooth for me. If I have future pregnancies, I'm definitely going to try to push through the first trimester a little harder because I do feel like the vegetables and working out help ease the discomfort no matter how much you don't want to try it at the time.

There are some downsides though. Pregnancy fitness can feel reallllyyyy limiting. I'm still able to do quite a bit but with every passing week, I find more things I need to modify. On one hand, burpees, pull ups, push ups, and planks were some of the first things I had to get rid of (DARN 😆 ), but it's also meant eliminating things I do enjoy (core work, heavy weight lifting, obstacle training). I go to a class twice a week that Dan teaches. He's made me my own workouts so I can go and see my friends but sometimes he forgets a modification for me or my workout is much shorter and I feel really left out. The hard part is that I'm still very strong... my body just can't take the impact of a heavy workout. So when I modify by lowering the weights, it ends up being too easy for me. It's great that I'm doing something but it's less exciting without the challenge. I'm really looking forward to being able to train again post-baby and I'm already thinking about some races for next year.

Body Image

Your changing body creates complicated feelings feelings during pregnancy. For the most part, I'm all about it. I know making a baby is an amazing crazy thing that our bodies can do and it's so impressive how we adapt to handle it. On the other hand, it's hard not to feel self conscious when clothes stop fitting and you're bigger than you've ever been (with months of growing still to go!!!).

Buying a bikini top while pregnant
does not inspire confidence.

The real issue with body image is that  your pregnancy doesn't occur in a vacuum. It's hard not to compare yourself to other pregnant women. When I see a bump photo, I check what week they're on and compare it to my own progress. Sometimes, I see someone bigger and I feel relieved but sometimes I see these tiny women who have gained like 5 lbs and have a belly the size of mine at 8 weeks and I feel like I let the cookies get out of hand. There is a yoga instructor I follow that gives me particular anxiety. She's about a month behind me and is always complaining about how big she's getting even though her bump is tiny and she says she's hardly gained any weight. I know we all have thoughts on our own bodies but someone in that position should realize how her comments make other pregnant women feel when they are gaining weight at a faster pace.

The other tough thing can be what other people say. For the most part, people tell me I look great or my bump is cute. I love hearing that I'm only gaining weight in my belly. I really don't like hearing "you don't even look pregnant." I've gained over 25 lbs so far. My body was super athletic before. It's not the same now. Hearing that I don't look pregnant makes me feel like I just let myself go instead of this other really awesome thing that my body is making. It's also hard hearing "wow you look big!" No woman, in any situation, ever wants to hear that. I already feel like I'm gaining weight a little faster than I should be, so it's a delicate situation. If you're ever wondering what to tell a pregnant woman - tell her she looks beautiful.

Kind of related to this - I saw some coworkers who are on the East coast. Many made comments about how big I was getting but one just said "I hope you have a good baby!" and then he felt uncomfortable like he said the wrong thing... but honestly that's a great thing to say too! I hope I have a good baby! Whether that means healthy or well behaved (or preferably both), I'm down for a good baby!

Mom Mode

AND I'm knitting a blanket!
Nesting so hard right now.

Anyone who knows me, knows I like to do a lot. I work full time (and I'm really good at my job), I cook dinner most nights, workout frequently, run an Etsy business, and have about 1708099 hobbies. I like to keep busy. I know I'll need to cut back on some things post baby but the one thing I've always respected about moms - most of the time, they seem like they're doing it all. I plan to still work and cook and exercise while raising the crap out of this baby. During the first trimester, when I was exhausted and sick, I kept thinking "how do people do this?" I couldn't imagine taking care of a baby and working and doing everything else I do, and what if I got pregnant again? It felt impossible.

Now that I have my energy back, I've been challenging myself to be like a mom. I love the days when I have the energy to get all my work done, make dinner, and get a bunch of things ready for the baby. When I'm tired and would rather take the easy option for dinner, I remind myself that tired isn't an excuse when you're a mom.

Don't get me wrong, I still let myself relax. I know this is my last stretch of freedom to relax before baby comes. It's all about balance. If I need to take a day to nap and rest my pregnant body, I do. If I feel like I have a lot to do and I'm just laying around because it's easy, I push myself to do the things. I'm practicing for mom mode and I think it's going alright.

Friends

In my last post, I felt like I was in a weird place with friends. It can be hard being pregnant - you're technically no longer childless (and you're definitely not as into the bar scene) but you don't really have a kid yet either so you can't organize play dates with your mom friends. It felt really lonely, but now, a few months later, it doesn't feel so bad. I think a lot of the issue in early pregnancy is that people don't know you're pregnant. In my case, I also didn't feel well. That can lead to a lot of self-inflicted isolation. I felt sick, I was hiding that I wasn't drinking, and I exhausted. Of course that didn't make me feel like a social butterfly. Now that my pregnancy is public knowledge, people check on me and I feel more social again. It's not as lonely as it was those first few months.

Still enjoying parties while pregnant (and sneaking out early for burritos and sleep)

I also made some headway on finding pregnant friends. A couple friends came forward and let me know they were also pregnant so I've had some people to talk to. I found a mom version of Tinder. So far I've just been trying to match with other pregnant ladies and I've gone a couple of friend dates that went really well. I'm building a tiny circle of future moms that will all have babies close in age to our little Piglet.

Missing Mom

A picture of my mom while pregnant

As most of you know, my mom passed away a couple of years ago. For most of the time since, I would burst into tears thinking about how she wouldn't be around when I had kids. She wanted me to have kids so badly. One of the last things she asked me was if I was planning on having a baby soon. I know she wanted to hold out until I was ready to start a family, but she just wasn't able to.

I'm not going to lie, doing this without my mom is hard. I wish I knew more about her pregnancies. She told me some stories but there was so much I never thought to ask. I wonder what her symptoms were like and if we are having similar experiences. I wish she was around to give me advice or to help those first couple of weeks. I know she would be helping me make Brazilian food for the shower instead of me needing to get those items catered. I know she would disagree with us not wanting to find out the gender. I'm sure she would have a million opinions on everything. She would love to see pictures of me with my bump.

It's a lot to handle. Pregnancy is full of emotions so I try not to dwell on it. With the anniversary of her passing recently and Mother's Day approaching, this time of year is always a little harder and I find myself forgetting I can't text her my weekly bumpdate more and more (thanks pregnancy brain!).

What's Next

Now that we're in the third trimester, things are pretty real. Baby has an 80-95% chance of survival if I went into labor right now (but don't worry, we're going to try to keep baby in the oven at least another 12 weeks). Anyways, it's time to really get ready for this kid's arrival.

We started our birth classes. Our hospital had a lot of options so we decided to do ones that were shorter, weekly classes. Closer to the due date, we'll also take a couple classes on things we'll need to know once baby arrives. I've been finishing up the third trimester and birth chapters of my pregnancy books and soon I'll start the baby ones.

We've been selling old furniture and other things we don't need so we can make space for baby. After the shower, we'll clear out the guest bed and really get cracking on the nursery. In the meantime, we're doing some other small house projects that will be harder to tackle with a new born, as well as just doing some spring cleaning in preparation for the baby shower and baby.

I have to admit, it still doesn't totally feel real. I understand that I am pregnant and there will be a baby in a few months and our lives will change, but having never done this before (or really having a baby close in my life), it's hard to wrap my head around what that will be like on a day to day basis. It's easy for me to be like "I'm going to not be pregnant anymore and there will be baby I have to breastfeed and take with me everywhere and then I'll get some sushi and have a glass of wine!" It's easier for me to understand the "not being pregnant anymore" aspect than the "baby you have to take care of all the time" part.

I know we'll figure it out and do great but it's crazy to think of what a big change this will be in our lives. It's one I'm very ready for, but also hoping baby is really easy going since I'll have a lot to figure out!

This little one will be real soon!!!

On Pregnancy

If you read my last post, follow me on Instagram, or are a Facebook friend than this isn't a surprise but.... I'M PREGNANT!!!! This is obviously a huge life change and accordingly, I have a lot of thoughts about it. Pregnancy is either a lot of oversharing or undersharing so I thought I'd write a post that's somewhere in between - a collection of my thoughts on some of the biggest things that come along with pregnancy (and aren't really talked about). I want to be open but I'm not looking to gross anyone out so don't worry about gruesome details here. Some are based on questions I've been asked already and others based on things that have been on my mind a lot. I hope it's interesting!

You can never take just one!

P.S. I have a lot of ovulation and pregnancy tests if anyone wants them. They're way cheaper in bulk but expire in 2019 so... up for grabs!

Getting Pregnant

Getting pregnant is complicated. Let's assume that all women fall in three categories: trying not to pregnant, ok if it happens (not using protection but also not tracking fertile days), and actively trying. I went from group 1 to group 3 and that can be confusing. It's such a big change to not want to get pregnant for so long and then really, really want to. It can be hard to wrap your head around.

So take that confusing feeling and add that getting pregnant is actually kind of complicated. For some people it happens instantly (even on accident) and for some people it takes years or doesn't happen at all. For us, it took several months so not the best and definitely not the worst scenarios. It got frustrating at times (but we're still lucky it happened without too much strife!).

My point is - trying to get pregnant can be difficult emotionally. There's definitely a stigma about openly discussing these things but luckily I had a few friends that listened to me through it all and I appreciate them so much.

My Body

Bump watch 2019

Obviously pregnancy is a time of physical changes and weight gain. As someone who's focused a lot on being fit the last couple of years, this is a big change for me... but I'm here for it! People assume that the weight gain would freak me out but my biggest thing has always been seeing the potential that my body has... and what better way than creating life? If that's not the coolest thing women do with their bodies than I don't know what is. I've actually really enjoyed tracking the changes in my body. While I joke with Dan about "getting fat," I'm actually excited that a little bump is starting to appear.

Of course, it also means a lot to me to have a smooth recovery. I'm hoping that my health and fitness level before getting pregnant will help with that. I oil and lotion up my belly like it's my job. I'm here for the pregnancy changes but I'm also hoping to minimize the long term damage.

Not Drinking

This one has actually been easier than I thought! I did a Whole30 once so I have some experience with not drinking for a while but obviously pregnancy is a lot longer. There are some big differences between not drinking for this and not drinking for a diet. Obviously, pregnancy is something much bigger than yourself and abstaining from something you enjoy because of the health of your child is a pretty noble reason not to drink. You also have a lot more options than a diet. On Whole30 there were only a couple of non-water things you could drink and even still, in moderation. With Pregnancy, you can still have juices and mocktails and other beverages that are little more fun. Lastly... you just don't feel all that hot when you're pregnant. Morning sickness feels a lot like being hungover and I think most drinkers know, you generally don't feel like a drink when you're having a rough morning. Another thing that helped was cutting back on drinking while trying to get pregnant (alcohol might affect fertility) so I was able to ease into the transition.

There are obviously times when abstaining is a little bit harder though. Big social events, especially with a lack of other beverage options, can be tough. I've learned a few easy mocktails that most bars can accommodate but since I wasn't a big cocktail drinker, it tends to be too much sweetness if I have more than 1-2. However, it still gets a little boring when everyone else is drinking. Eating out with groups is hard too. It's generally easier to split a check evenly... but drinks are expensive and it doesn't feel fair to me to have to pay for something I didn't consume - especially because babies are expensive too. Lastly, I like wine because I like the taste. Usually when I want it the most, it's because I've seen a new wine and I'm curious about it or I'm thinking about what would pair with my dinner. It's not in a "I NEED A DRINK WAY" but more that I'm missing something that has very much been a hobby for me.

The biggest thing I've learned though - is that it's important to support friends that aren't drinking regardless of the reason. I'll be the first to admit that I've been super guilty about this and I apologize to anyone I've made uncomfortable. The amount of push back I received just from cutting back before getting pregnant was annoying to say the least. So if a friend says they don't want another drink - that's fine. Also, still invite those people out! Just because I'm not drinking doesn't mean I don't want to be social. Let that be on me to figure out. Maybe I'll still be too tired or maybe some situations still won't make sense for me (like if drinks are included in the price no matter what), but generally, I'd rather still see friends before my life changes forever with a baby than be left out just because I'm not drinking.

Eating for (Not Quite) Two

Goals!

This is one of the things I was most excited about! I obviously try to eat healthy so getting to let loose a little was something to look forward to. Of course, like everything else in pregnancy, it's more complicated than that!

First of all, you're not eating for two. It's really like another 300 calories a day. Babies are small, yo! Second, you're supposed to still eat healthy. I decided to do a little bit of a compromise. Since I ate SO healthy before, it seemed fair to me to be able to splurge a little bit on treats that I didn't normally eat. Approaching it with the goal of balance seemed really logical to me.

Reality

But pregnancy is not logical. I've found it so hard to eat vegetables and a lot of red meats. Some days, I tell Dan he better not come home if he doesn't have a pizza or some ice cream. Other days, it's hard to stomach anything other than carbs. Baby also loves fruit which feels like a great way to get some nutritious food in while still appeasing the cravings.

Another issue has been just how frequently I get hungry now. I've always been more a small/frequent meals person but with this baby it's a must. I tend to only feel un-well when I'm hungry... but I get hungry all the time. I've had to find ways to snack all the time, including the middle of the night. On the flip side, you get full easily when you're pregnant as well because your stomach is sharing space with the baby so it's really just about making sure you're never too far from something you can eat easily. The hunger strikes quickly and it strikes hard.

Things have gotten better now that I'm in the second trimester and I'm working on getting back to that balance that I originally pictured for myself. It's a struggle for sure, but I'm working on it!

Exercise

I had big aspirations for pregnancy fitness. I'd been following some fitness accounts of women who got pregnant and was so inspired by how active they were in their pregnancies. Seeing a woman do a pull up with an 8 month bump (when I can't even do one un-assisted normally) is goals AF.

Pregnant Spartan!!!

...but not the reality. The first trimester I was either sick or tired the whole time and those are not conditions condusive to going to the gym. I was also worried about losing the pregnancy (which is more likely the first 12 weeks) and wasn't ready to share the news with the trainers. Even working out at home was tough. I'd use all my energy to get through the work day (it's important to me to not use pregnancy as an excuse at work) and then just crash. Even making dinner was next to impossible some days. The best I could do was go on a walk a few times a week. Luckily, that was great for doggy and walking is one of the best (and safest) way to exercise during pregnancy. I also wasn't too hard on myself if that just felt impossible.

Now that I'm through the rough patch, working out more is one of my goals. Regular bootcamp classes still intimidate me (the trainers know now and I can modify, but it's still a lot), but I've been going to the lifting class. It's more self paced and almost everyone who attends are really close and know about what's going on with me. Last week was my first class after going public and I was chatting as much lifting which was definitely nice (and of course, I like the attention). My goal this month has just been to get out of the house at least once a day (preferably for some sort of walk or exercise), but next month it's going to be doing something active more days than not.

This hike was just not going to happen

And for any haters - I've done A LOT of research here. Pregnancy is not the time to start anything new or up your game but it's fairly safe to resume activities you were doing before getting pregnant (with exceptions). I've learned the things I definitely can't do and have been talking to Dan (fitness husbands are handy!) and doing research on how to modify or what to do instead. I also got an HR monitor. The heart rate cap is outdated science but I feel more comfortable keeping tabs on it. Sometimes I get out of breath quickly but my HR is in a reasonable range so I know I'm ok. I also want to know if it's spiking out of my HR zones so I can stop and let my body recover. Plus, I'm very in tune with my body. We went on a hike last week and it felt bad... and got worse... so we stopped. Baby is the priority 100%.

Gender Reveal

Yea, we're not doing that. Not at all, actually. We want to be surprised by the baby's gender. I have another post planned that goes more into this so stay tuned.

And Everything Else!!!

Pregnancy is full of surprises. For the most part, it's been a really happy time for me. I've always wanted to be a mom and was eager for it to be the right time. Even through all the ups and downs of symptoms, I've been really happy and excited about what's to come.

The one thing that I wasn't expecting though... was how lonely pregnancy can be. All of my friends either already have kids and are very busy with that... or are no where near that step in life. Not having kids myself, I don't always know how to navigate the relationships with parent friends and whether they need attention or space. I also feel like my not-having-kids-soon friends want to go out and party all the time (which is fine!!!) and I'm just not there any more, or am not included because they assume the pregnant lady wouldn't want to go. They're still my friends but I don't feel like I fit in on either side and that leaves me at home cuddling with the dog instead of getting some human interaction. I'm worried about it getting worse when the baby is actually here too. I'm hoping to make some mom friends between now and then but I don't even know where to start with that. It all just makes me feel incredibly lonely some days.

I'm sure you're wondering where Dan is in all this. Yes, he is here. He does work though and sometimes weird or long hours. I also don't want to tell him he can't do things in his free time just because I'm emotional so he sees friends sometimes and works out a lot. He's as supportive as I need him to be, but I know it's not great to have 1 person you depend 100% on. It's times like these that not having my mom around hurts more than ever. Just having her to call and talk to would help a lot with all of the emotions I'm feeling.

---

So that sums it up (gorey and personal details aside)!!! Pregnancy, for the most part, is not really how I imagined. I definitely figured with the shape I was in before getting pregnant that I'd be one of those super pregnant ladies that just does everything and has perfect skin and is always smiling. Nope! I'm human too! This baby has slowed me down a lot over the last couple of months but I'm still excited about everything that is happening with my body.

I also want to give super props to any woman who have gone through this while also taking care of kids they already have! At this stage in my life, aside from work (which is from home so I can still be in sweat pants or get a little more sleep in lieu of a commute), I don't have a lot of things I have to do so I can focus on taking it easy and self-care. That all changes with kids so mad props to everyone who already takes care of little ones and double props if you're doing it while pregnant. Moms really are Wonder Women.

Detox December - Update #12

Better late than never!!! I wanted to send this a couple of weeks ago but flu and life happened and I lost track of it! I actually have a lot of posts I wanted to write - I wanted to do a whole year look back on each of goals so hopefully I can get to it while it's still relevant.

Designated Date Time/ Family Time

December was SO FULL of family time. We had Dan's sister and mom visit us for about about 9 days. Closer to Christmas my Dad came down for 4 as well so we each had a sibling and a parent in San Diego.

That means so many family things!!! My favorite was the boating trip that my brother organized. He rented a speed boat and took all of us around San Diego Bay with a stop in Coronado for lunch. 

Family includes just Dan, the pets, and I as well. We started one of my 2018 resolutions and took Harley for her first weekly run or hike. She loved it and so did we. We're so excited to have that piece of time to spend together and be healthy each week. That still leaves out Callie but our horribly insulated house meant lots of couch cuddles with all four us curled up under blankets. I love our little human animal family and I'm happy for all the sweet memories we have.

Stick to a Regular Fitness Schedule

First day back after the holidays!

So many wins and losses with this. The truth is, I started both December and January with the flu/cold beast that going around. I don't mess around when I'm sick so that meant a lot of time in bed and out of the gym. Family in town didn't help things either.

I know what this sounds like - excuses, excuses, excuses. And they are. They're ones out of my control but trust me, I was frustrated too.

The last week of December, post guests and pre sickness part 2, I had the workout schedule of my dreams (well goals.... who dreams of work outs? I mean, I did have a dream that Dan and I were doing an obstacle race last night BUT I DIGRESS) - two a day workouts either in the gym or at home. Yea, it's a rough goal but it's what I need to knock out that Spartan resolution and I've found enough workouts that I really enjoy to make it a fun process.

I've started taking more vitamins and drinking a little less in order to help this goal out more starting in January and... so far I feel amazing! It seems like getting sick so much was a side effect of not getting enough vitamins either because I'm too active or my gut health was messed up and I wasn't absorbing it. I'm like a vitamin preacher now because my mood, energy, and health hasn't felt this good in ages and I'm so ready to conquer my goals.

A new fun way to work out at home too! (thanks Dan)

Meal Planning

Chili secret - double meat, double spices,
ton of hidden veggies!

Without even noticing, I got into such a good rhythym with this. I'd get some ideas for food I felt like, make a shopping list for a few dinners and general things I like to keep in stock and then knock them out through out the week. I went from not feeling like I was doing this goal well to doing it without thinking which is perfect!

Good timing too - Having so many visitors and holidays meant really having to be organized. I try to think of things to make that are delicious, healthy, and might even be enjoyable for the pickiest of eaters. I know the parents really enjoyed a lot of the dishes I made and it makes me happy to share my cooking.

I also got to plan out Christmas Eve dinner! We had so much meat which also meant lots of leftovers and less cooking in the wake of our busy Ides of December. Sometimes my favorite way to plan meals... is just to make so much food that I have leftovers for days and don't have to worry about it. 

Take an Annual Trip with My Husband

I'm still keeping my eyes peeled for next year's big trip! We want to get a deal and a lot of it will depend on our tax return so we'll have to wait and see....

But I'm really excited for our little trips. We don't have anything set right now but with only a few weddings in 2018, all within driving distance - we have some room in our time and money budgets to go on some more weekend trips. We definitely want to visit the Bay Area a couple of times this year. We've also been promising my brother in Seattle that we'll make it up there some time. Lastly, I think I'm finally recovered from my trip to Vegas 5 years ago and would love to go again some time this year. So many little trips to look forward to even if we're still figuring out the big one.

Read a Book a Week

If you remember from November, I'd already hit my goal of 52 books for the year so I could have sat back in December, not read anything, and called it a day.

Well, that's not my style.

I kept up my reading and was able to finish another 5 books in December. Honestly though.. I had thought it was more like 7. Some of these novels like Turtles All the Way Down and Warcross were such quick reads for me that I know I finished in a couple of days. I guess they were balanced out by Lincoln in the Bardo and Eleanor Oliphant which were very different books that were harder to just knock out. Plus, being sick always makes it hard for me to do anything, even read. I try to do that instead of watching TV but I usually go for the more mindless option. 

Me Time

I guess here's the problem with writing this over two weeks after the fact... it's harder to remember the month. I've looked through the pictures, I've thought back on the month, and I can't remember if I had any me time. I'm going to go with... probably not. December is crazy busy for everyone. I was sick, we had our workouts, we had 2-3 people staying with us at one point, there was Christmas, I hosted Christmas Eve.

It was a lot. Maybe that's why I thought I'd read more books that I had? All my free time probably was reading... I just didn't have that much of it. 

Detox December

This goal very quickly went by the wayside. I got sick a couple of days into the month and getting sick for me means ordering a bunch of take out and laying in my bed cave. It's definitely not 80/20 paleo! To be fair though, I at least wasn't drinking that week... but I came back from it with a vengeance - having several drinks every day and pushing my limits on the weekends. 

Coming out of the holidays, I leveled out a bit. I wanted to make our post-Christmas week the December that I'd intended. I did my two a day workouts, I didn't drink during the week, and I made us healthier dinners... and I was back in bed with the flu and Indian food the next week.

It's funny how that's happened.. the week after Thanksgiving and Christmas were the only ones I met my goals on and they were followed by getting sick. The timing is so odd being that little bit healthier didn't really help much. It showed me that maybe my lifestyle isn't really the issue and there's something else going on. As I mentioned earlier, I started taking a lot of vitamins and probiotics in order to get my immune system under control so I can focus on my goals better.

And I think it's working! Aside from that first sick week in January, things are looking good. I've been better about working out 1-2 times a day and trying to go on walks or do something easy the other days. I've been great about sticking to 1 glass of wine a day and frankly - I usually don't feel like more. January is going really well so far.

And that's a wrap for December 2017! I definitely want to do a look back on all the individual goals but until then, you can see what I have in store for 2018.

2018 New Year Resolutions

Last year's habits went so well. I finished the year feeling really good about where things were. I had built up a lot of the habits that I'd wanted to work on. Instead of making a resolution, which feels like a one time change, I wanted to strengthen every day occurrences to make my life better and fuller. Even the one off monthly goals went great and added extra things to think about and work on over the year.

It worked out so well, that at this time, I don't feel like there are many habits to add to my life at this time. I know as my life and responsibilities grow and change, I can find room for new habits, but right now things look really good.

On the flip side though, there are more one off things I'd like to work on.... so it's back to resolutions!!!

Spartan Trifecta

This is my BIG goal for the year. I think it actually showed up on an older resolution list but it ended up not working out. This year, Dan and I are already signed up. We have all the resources to train - we just have to do it! The first two races are at the end of this month and the last (and longest) is in May. That means this will be done mid-way through the year if all goes well! That's why I had to line up some other goals...


But first... what are my fears or concerns? First, it's going to be hard. I know I can do a Sprint but those were always a challenge as it was. The first two races are back to back - the Super on Saturday (8-10 miles) with the Sprint (3-5 miles) on Sunday. I'm not worried about the Sprint but the Super scares me. I don't like running long distances and that has obstacles on top. I'm actually less worried about the Beast (12-14 miles) in May because I have so much time to train.

My second feel is my immune system. I'm on my second cold/flu in a month as I write this. That's 2 weeks I've taken out of my training which makes the January dates even scarier. It also means getting sick isn't a preventative for another cold. I'd be so bummed if I got sick right before a race and had to postpone. I started stocking up on essential oils and probiotics. I need to change my routine and stay healthy so I can do this.

One New Etsy Item a Week

My Etsy shop thrived last year. I did a job of adding a bunch of listings, including some hot trends (THANK YOU PORGS). I made 60% of my all time income in the last year. I doubled what I made in 2016. These aren't huge numbers or anything but it's still a growing business.

Obviously, the key to growing the business is keep adding products! Since it's all downloads, having a lot of stock doesn't add too much work for me. I just have to do it. Extra items also drives a lot of traffic to my shop because people find it through search terms and buy something else.

Grow My Etsy Business to Amazon

I found out a few weeks ago that Amazon has an Etsy-like off-shoot for homemade and artisan products. I wasn't sure my patterns would fit but... they had some! I'd love to list my items there as well but it will take some set up. I'll need an actual business name and maybe some other set up. I definitely want to look into it.

Change My Name

I still haven't changed my name legally since getting married. It's just seemed like a lot of work and there was no need yet. I just need to start filling out the paperwork and get it done though.

Waste Less

I feel like I always have one vague, untrackable goal. This one is just to waste less. It's definitely a follow up from the meal planning goal from last time. I think if I'm smart about grocery shopping and thinking about what we need and will actually eat, we'll waste less food. We'll also spend less money.

This applies to more than food too! In general, I've been trying to buy fewer non-consumable goods. We don't have room in our house for more junk so only buying things we really want or need has saved money and space. I rent my clothes, I borrow books, I stream movies - I don't need to buy these things as much.

Re-Coop Real Estate Expenses

Real Estate didn't really go the way I expected. I'm toning down my involvement this year because there are just too many expenses just to exist as an agent. I'm not totally out of the game though. I still have my license and a relationship with my broker. I can still be involved indirectly and help out friends looking for a place. I'd love to still get a deal under my belt which would help me at least break even with everything I spent getting my license.

Do One Chore a Day

This is a big change for me! Aside from cooking, I hate doing chores. I'm not a neat person and I'm allergic to doing dishes. The only thing that I can tolerate is laundry (warm clothes and my favorite tops clean!) and vacuuming (we have like 40 sq ft of carpet).

However... I found that when guests visit, I was much more successful if I started cleaning a week out and did a little bit each day. I noticed chores didn't really take that long if you did a little at a time instead of one big day of cleaning that can be overwhelming.

Chores are the best when you don't let them get out of hand in the first place! The goal is to do some little thing every day to keep up with chores. Whether it's laundry (yay!) or cleaning the bathroom (ick!), chipping away at it here and there will keep our house looking nice all the time, instead of just rushing to clean before we have people visit.

(so obviously cooking isn't counted as a chore for this)

Weekly Doggy Walk/Hike/Run

Straight forward - a hike or run with doggy and Dan! We've already started this by doing laps around Fiesta Island. Doggy gets to play and we get to train for our races. The plan is to start with Fiesta Island and once we've mastered that, maybe we can move onto some of the tougher San Diego hikes. We all get our exercise and everyone is happy.

Weekly Date

And also something for just us... Dan and I are great about spending time together, but I think a weekly date is a great idea too. A lot of our gifts lately have been Groupons so it would be good to make sure we use them! I also got us Movie Passes so in a pinch, spending the evening at a movie is good. I just think it's important to do things together outside of the house.

Secret Goal

Every year I have one goal that I'm not quite ready to share. Some things are better as surprises until they're ready.




Whew, so that feels like a lot! A lot of the goals fit together though. Taking the dog for a weekly run will help me train for my races. Doing one chore a day will help minimize stress so I can work on the other goals. They all fit into my secret goal. I'm not resting on my laurels in 2018 but I'm also not reaching for anything crazy. All these are really reasonable goals that have either been bucket list items or things I've already found some success in. I'm excited to push them to the next level.

I'll be back soon with my December 2017 post as well as some follow ups on my goals!