A Year of Brooke

I remember everything about where I was exactly one a year ago. I was anxious and scared. I was about to have my first surgery, my first IV, my first hospital stay, my first baby. While some of that was inevitable, all of it at once, when I very much wanted a natural birth, was overwhelming.

And now, a year later, it all seems like nothing. The surgery went smoothly. The recovery was hard, but fast. The first few months with a newborn are all about adjusting to your new lifestyle, a new person in your life... and then you do, and the fun really starts.

Don't get me wrong, a baby is hard. We often say we're so lucky to have an easy baby, but even so there are still middle of the night wake ups, there's still crying, there's still early mornings, there's still the endless chasing of a small person that wants to put everything in their mouths. And who knows - maybe our baby isn't easy. We just realized she was generally happy and when she cried, there was always a reason. Sometimes we even figured out what that reason was!

Despite all of that work though, it's worth it. To see this little person that you created learn a new skill, or find something they enjoy, is such a wonderful feeling. Don't even get me started about baby giggles. I thrive on baby giggles. 33 years of trying to be cool went out the window when I discovered baby giggles. I will do any silly dance, make any weird voice, and do all the wacky faces for those baby giggles. She's the only one whose opinion I care about.

I love seeing her become the person she's going to be. From her looks (my big eyes, but Dan's color) to her personality (1000% mom!), every day she becomes a little more herself.

Going through a major pandemic with a baby is also interesting. Having Dan home to help out with her is definitely a blessing but otherwise, navigating this time can be tricky. There is no guide book. Are we missing out on some major milestones by having our child mostly isolated? By not being able to go to museums and zoos and all the fun stuff we had planned? I do have to say though, we did end up in a pretty lucky time in our lives for this to happen. We had our wedding and baby shower. We don't have to balance Brooke's education on top of everything. Having a baby definitely keeps us from getting bored day to day. Hopefully, by the time it really is important for her to socialize, this will be over.

Being a parent is full of things to feel mixed about but the one I grapple with a lot is the passing of time. I simultaneously want this baby to stay little forever and also want her to be 23 so we can sit around drinking wine and gossiping together like my mom and I did in the adult years we had together. There are so many moments in between that I look forward to as well - trips to theme parks and museums and doing lots of fun activities together.

And that's the thing about watching your kid grow up. Each new moment you think "this is the best, way better than the last stage. I love this." and then they learn a new thing and it gets a little better. Sure, I also miss the days when all she could do was cuddle on my chest and not get into every little thing around the house... but the latter is way more interesting.

So that's it - we have 1 year down and still soooo much more to experience with our wonderful, smart, loving, curious, and wild little girl. Happy Birthday Brooke!

2020 New Years Resolutions

Wow 2020 feels weird to write! Let's get this decade off to a good start. Last year I didn't make any resolutions because I knew I was going to have a baby halfway through the year and I figured trying to reach new goals while spending half the year feeling gross (in December/January I was battling crazy morning sickness which went away but I didn't know that at the time) and the other half the year taking care of a small human, wasn't a good idea. While both those things went a lot better than I'd imagined, I'm still happy I wasn't balancing it with striving to knock out a list of goals or feeling disappointed in myself for abandoning resolutions even though I had something bigger going on.

I'm actually a very goal oriented person so that's an important point to touch on when before we get going. It's why making a resolution list has been a big thing for me every year and why I like sharing it here. Even though I didn't set out the year with a set of goals, I ended up making some along the way because I knew it would help motivate me in a way that other things just don't.

Here are some of the things I accomplished in 2019:

• Signing up for a 10k shortly after giving birth and set (and completed!) a lot of goals around the training and completing of that race.
• Breastfeeding. Once we realized I was capable of it, holding onto that goal got me through the challenges of making it work well for us (now it's the easiest thing!).
• Planning out what meals I was going to make for the week. This helped me plan out what to grab from the freezer (since most of our protein comes frozen from Buthcerbox, it requires some planning ahead), as well as planning more complicated dishes when Dan was home to help with baby and having leftovers when he wasn't).
• Multitasking! This was HUGE after baby was born. I've always been good at multitasking but getting things done with a small baby was another level. Eventually we figured out how to get things done while watching Brooke. Somethings are easy to do when she can play on her mat and some things I can do while she's napping and some things just need to wait until she goes to bed or Dan is home. Figuring that out helped so much with getting things done. 

Some people hate New Years Resolutions but I love them. I love the chance to look back on my year (or life!) and think, "what do I want to do better?" I'm in such a great place for that. With an almost 6 month old, I have a better idea of what motherhood is about and what are realistic goals for how much time I have in a day. I've spent the last month or so thinking about good goals that fit into my life and the life I'd like to have and I'm really excited about this list.

One last thing - this list revolves a lot around goal setting and what works for me. I've been doing this serious resolution list for like 12 years and I've learned a lot about what motivates me. Those things are: achieving a goal, rewarding myself, and competition. The best competition I've found has been against past Nikki. I'll crush her any chance I get. If you find yourself hating resolutions, maybe turn it around and figure out what motivates you. Everyone is different but we can all do great things.

Exercise More!

If you read this blog, it's no surprise that fitness is a big part of my life. Not being able to exercise to the same extent is one thing I really disliked about being pregnant and the postpartum journey. Once I got cleared to workout, I did a great job. I eased into exercise and then ramped it up in preparation for my race.

..and then life happened! It got dark early so I couldn't run after work. The holidays came and balancing that preparation with a baby and work was a lot. I stopped dead in my tracks and honestly, that feels way worse than not being able to workout because I had a baby.

So I need a plan to get back into a fitness routine... and I have one! First, no wine unless I've worked out that day. It can literally be anything - a walk, a 15 min yoga video, ANYTHING. The point is just to get moving and to reward myself for getting back on that.

Second, train with a purpose! I am way more likely to take my fitness seriously if I have something to train for and I do. I signed up for a short Spartan race in the early spring and a half marathon at the end of May. I'm excited to train for these and get back into racing.

Third, get on a schedule. I've found the hardest part of having a baby isn't changing a diaper or any of the daily tasks, it's that I don't have the freedom to just do things at my convenience. I either need Dan to be home to watch her or I need to take her with me (which doesn't really work with a daycare-less gym). I'd like to work on a combo of things: going to the gym in the morning more when Dan is around to watch Brooke, working out with my videos and equipment at home while she's playing, and trying out the daycare at the YMCA (a membership I've been paying for months and haven't gone since 9 months pregnant). Brooke will also be big enough to ride in the running stroller which is a big part of my half marathon training plan. If I can take her running along a bike path during the day when it's safe, that will be huge in getting my fitness back on track and I'm sure she'll like the view.

As tempting as it is, this goal isn't about weight loss. I do have a goal of remaining baby weight I'd like to lose but if the year ends and I've worked out most days and weigh the same, I'll feel pretty good. It's also not about dieting. I threw around the idea of doing a January Whole30 because I know it works I'd probably easily knock out ten pounds if I did. However, I ultimately decided not to for two reasons. 1) As a breastfeeding Mom, my proiority is feeding my baby. Right now what I'm eating has helped me have a great milk supply so why mess with that? 2) Being a mom can be really hard and full of sacrifices. I don't want to add food as another thing I can't have right now. I also don't think we necessarily eat bad but I also don't deny myself some chocolate snacks or rich cheeses. I love food and I'd like to keep that simple pleasure right now.

Grow My Etsy Shop

A couple of years ago, I had a goal of making some passive income. I made an Etsy shop full of cross stitch downloads and it's done alright. I've basically stopped adding patterns to it since mid-2018 but the ones that are in there sell pretty well. It's not a large amount of money coming in or anything, but maybe it could be? I'd like to get patterns up on the site more regularly. I'm not going to set a strict goal because it's easier to do a bunch of patterns at once, but if I could keep my shop current with new pop culture trends (I'm looking at you Baby Yoda!), it will keep doing business in the background.

Upgrade

This one makes me feel a little greedy but, Dan and I are looking into getting a bigger house. We're so lucky to already own a home, but we always knew when we bought it that it wasn't our forever home. Having a baby has definitely made a big impact on the amount of space we have, but so has the loss of my mom. The latter has meant that holidays are spent at our home which just isn't really big enough to host a large dinner party next to the Christmas tree that takes up half our living room. As someone who love to cook, I feel limited by the amount of counter space I have to work with and usually I'm overflowing onto the dining and coffee tables to have enough prep space. It's definitely a little bit of a selfish problem to have but when we realized that we might be ready for a new house, why stay in a space we're not totally happy with?

We'd like our next home to be our basically forever home. By that, I mean someplace we'd like to stay unless outstanding circumstances changed things aka we win the lottery and can buy our absolute dream home. We've started looking and thought a lot about what we really want out of our next house which means we're not in any rush but getting something new in the next year would be ideal.

It's also really scary thinking about buying a new house though. Buying AND selling at the same time means timing needs to be perfect which can be tough in a competitive San Diego market. I'm also wary of the economy right now. I'm hoping that things work out well for us, but I always like to be cautious about making big moves.

De-Clutter

The older I get, the less interested I am in stuff. I have a lot of knick knacks that just take up space and are a pain in the butt to move. I think I'm pretty attached to what I have already and I've worked on not accumulating more stuff in the past year....

...but if we're going to move, it's definitely important to thin out what we have. While the idea of getting a bigger house is to have more space, I don't want us to be hermit crabs instantly filling that space with a ton of stuff. I'd love for more space to mean more open space. One thing I dislike about this house is how small the rooms are. This was made really evident when we brought the baby home and having her bassinet in our room meant we couldn't open our closet. It made me realize how nice it is just to have some open space in your house and I'd rather have that than lots of objects lying around.

 I know I can clear out a ton of clothes. Becoming a mom means a big lifestyle change and also just some things I've had forever and will likely not wear anymore. I also need to take a serious think about the things I hold onto. I have  a lot of things from my mom that hold a lot of sentimental value but are not useful (like shoes that don't fit me). Is the sentiment worth keeping things I can't use? Can I thin it to some pairs I saw her wear instead of keeping every pair I thought looked nice? On a similar vein, I have a TON of craft stuff from well meaning projects I never finished and sometimes never even started. Will I realistically do any of these? What would I need to be able to do these projects? A different space? (potentially solvable) More time? (a little trickier) A different life? (unlikely to work)

In the next couple of months, I want to do a huge clear out and really think what definitely needs to go and what we might want in our new home. I don't want to bring things just because we'll have more space but because I think we would use the things if the layout of our house gave us easier access to it (e.g. being able to have a dedicated gym space so it's easy to workout instead of having to set up a bunch of equipment each time, a good place to work on crafts projects).

Excited to use these trackers from Elise Joy to stay motivated.
Yes, filling in a bubble is motivating to me.

 Complete a Big Craft Project

Speaking of those crafts... one thing that would help me justify keeping all those supplies would be a finishing a big craft project. Ideally it would be something I already have the supplies for. It's probably not going to be my big Batman Cross Stitch but maybe a smaller one for Brooke? Or a Halloween costume for her? I have so many supplies and I'm trying to balance baby with things I like to do so this will be a good test of that.

Probably not this
(and yes it looks finished but this is like 1/10th of the final image)

Be Reliable

Having a kid this past year has taught me a lot about reliability. Like I said above, the hardest thing about having a child is that you lose the freedom to just go where you want, when you want. You need to have a plan for everything - a plan for someone to watch the baby or a plan for bringing the baby that revolves around their diaper changes, feedings, and naps. It's tricky.

but they missed out on visiting this 

I also felt extremely isolated after giving birth. I had so many people saying they wanted to visit before the baby was born but very few actually did. It hurt my feelings so much that people couldn't take 15-30 minutes to come by, give me a little company, and hold the baby for a few minutes so I could eat something. It was seriously the only thing I wanted from anyone then. (and important to give a big THANK YOU to everyone who did visit, invite us out with the baby, or show up to something you knew we'd be at. It meant so much to me.)

Those two things combined, made me realize that I don't want to be that person to someone else. I know I've told friends with babies that I would go visit and didn't. I've made plans and then changed my mind because it was inconvenient. I see now how crappy that is for the other person and I want to be better. It's something I've been working on for the last few months, but I want to keep the notion in my head when I decide to commit to something.

I do want to add the exception of the baby though. I definitely understand that I'm not always going to be on time for things because that's not how babies work. I also know that I might have all of the best intentions of doing something and she might get sick. Those are reasonable exceptions though and the spirit of the resolution is still good.

And Life...

I always have a few things up my sleeve that I don't put here either because it's just for me or because it doesn't make sense as a goal. In the past, I've had resolutions like "be nicer" but when you can't quantify something, it's hard to know if you did it well. Yes, there are things I'd like to do like "be more present" or "have more patience" but  I can work on that constantly without making it into a list item to check off. Plus, I think accomplishing the 6 goals above will be a big improvement on our daily lives.

Breech, Birth, Breastfeeding, and Beyond

I had a baby! It's been a wild ride and I've had lots of thoughts (of course). This post has been a long time coming but a new baby means less free time so here goes.

Breech

I haven't thought of myself as being a type A personality in years (maybe since I left finance half a dozen years ago), but that's what I am. I need a plan and for everything to be organized and in place. While it's relaxed in some areas over time like not micro managing my vacations - when I think about it, so many areas of my life that need structure and schedule in order for me to feel calm about my life.

In pregnancy, that kind of organization came in really helpful. When I wasn't feeling 100%, it helped me prioritize the things that were important to me. It helped me have a plan for throwing our own (pretty large) baby shower. I took apart all the things we had to do to prepare for baby and tackled them one week at a time so that we were basically ready the whole last month. It lead me to reading 5 pregnancy/birth books and come up with a strategy to have a kickass, natural birth.

The downside is that babies are unpredictable. Every person, baby, and pregnancy is different. Even though I had a plan for everything, my baby decided to be breech. Let's just say, I didn't take this news well. First, I was pissed. I had been asking my doctor about the baby's position, and she said "It seems like the butt is probably up, but I'll do an ultrasound at 36 weeks. We can't try to move them earlier than that." Well, the doctors can't do anything earlier, but natural flipping like exercises, chiropractors, massage, and acupuncture are more likely to work the earlier you can start. Even though I tried some of these techniques, the odds of them working were diminishing. I cried when the reality that I'd have a c-section set it. And finally, I sucked it up and decided I'd have to be calm about what I was going to go through.

This was devastating news to me, but also a big reminder that life doesn't go your way and you have to deal with it. I could have continued to be mad and sad about it, but that wouldn't help anything. Of course, it wasn't ideal but I decided to be calm instead. I also got to have my baby the week I wanted, so there was that.

Birth

For me, the pregnancy experience was as important as the baby. I wanted to know what it was like to grow a human... and that includes giving birth. I was so prepared for a natural birth (and also understood that it might not go that way!). I wanted to know what it felt like to have contractions or your water break and make that run to the hospital. I wanted to yell at Dan and push and give birth to a baby. I've heard so many women say giving birth made them feel so strong and it was an incredible experience despite the pain.

I didn't get any of that.

I do not tell anyone that I gave birth, I say, "I had a baby" because I didn't do anything... birth happened to me. I feel robbed of that experience and it was one of the reasons I was so upset about the breech situation.

With that said... I had a really pleasant experience. To me, a c-section was a very undesirable outcome (also it's bizarre that you're awake through a major abdominal surgery!!), and I think the operating team knows that so they try to make it as easy for you as possible. It's definitely surreal having an appointment to give birth, but that's what it was. We showed up at the hospital, I filled out some papers and paid a deductible, was monitored and hooked up to the IVs. They checked that the baby was still breech and then I walked into an operating room where they numbed me up.

What really made the experience enjoyable was the operating team. Every nurse and the doctor kept saying we were going to a birthday party and were so enthusiastic. Dan and I were like "Oh, I guess it is a birthday!" We hadn't thought of it that way. During the procedure, you really feel nothing. When the baby was born, they announced it was a girl and we had our little Brooke! I got a decent amount of time with the baby before they took her away, and I was able to do skin to skin within the hour. I didn't have any issues breastfeeding or with my milk coming in.

I'm not going to lie, having surgery is still rough. I had about 12 hours where I was hooked up to IVs and catheters and after that I was expected to try to walk (do the walk though - it helps you heal faster!). Being in good shape helped a lot though and I was able to go home a day earlier than most c-section patients. The recovery is the hardest part for sure and the hardest part of the recovery were actually the days that I felt good - I had a false sense of healing and would quickly over do it and be in pain. It's also weird that in some ways, the recovery was easier than late pregnancy. You're  a normal size and you can move your body easier (and no more sciatic or pelvic pain!), but then you do something and the incision starts hurting. However, after about 4 weeks, I started feeling better for real and was cleared to exercise at 6 weeks.

I just have to reiterate - being in shape helped a lot! By the time I found out Brooke was breech, it was too late to get in shape. Having already been there through my pregnancy and the recovery was so helpful in easing the process.

Breastfeeding

Breastfeeding is hard. I don't want to scare anyone away from it but it's hard. I found the lactation consultants and all the information people throw at you to be really overwhelming. You're trying to do this seemingly natural thing and you have someone going "drop the shoulder! don't hold her head! rub your nipple in her face!" and then they slam a baby's mouth onto your breast.. and of course you're totally unable to recreate this situation once they leave. You also have nurses examining your nipples and reporting anything they think may be an issue. It's a lot.

So.. it's no surprise that I went home and totally did it wrong. First - when they tell you it's not supposed to hurt, that's very misleading. It's not supposed to hurt a lot. You're not supposed to bleed or have severe pain. However, it does kind of hurt, especially at the beginning of a feed. It's also a lot to get used to how much friction your nipples are going through now. They have to toughen up. It's totally normal to be sore.

Soreness was just one issue that I faced. I also had blocked ducts, a minor case of mastitis, a lanolin allergy (that stuff the nurses give you to ease the soreness, that I was basically lathering on for 4 weeks straight and wondering why I was still hurting)... all in the first month! I was just lucky that I had a solid milk supply and a baby that loved to breastfeed. Once we realized that she wasn't latching correctly and not getting enough milk to gain weight, I was able to adjust and feed her properly (including supplementing with some bottles of breast milk).

However, once those issues worked out, it got so much better. Brooke got better at latching and I was in pain less. Our middle of the night sessions that used to be a nightmare, became a breeze as she'd quickly latch on and drink for 10-20 minutes before falling back asleep. She started gaining about an ounce a day. I didn't need to supplement with bottles as often because her nursing got so much more efficient. I learned how to adjust my supply and built up a freezer stash (that had depleted with the mastitis. The original supply was collected in a Haakaa just from leaking. It's still an issue and I've collected about two ounces just while writing this post.).

I'd read that this usually happens around 3-4 weeks. It took us about 5-6. That's why I wanted to say that it's really hard and it's different for everyone but if this is something you want to do DON'T GIVE UP. There were so many times I was hurting or frustrated and just wanted to give up. Giving the bottled breast milk helped a lot, but I also just needed to tough it out. Sometimes it feels like I got all the pain I missed from childbirth spread out over the weeks of learning how to breastfeed.

Also - I read somewhere to not waste money on nursing clothes. Forget that! Buy what makes you comfortable. Yes, you can probably just get bras and wear loose t-shirts. However, after birth, you're probably going to be a different size. I really liked buying some nursing dresses and tops so I had some clothes I fit into while I work on getting back into shape. In general, I've bought so many things to help with breastfeeding that it's a little ridiculous. How did cavemen do this?

Beyond

And now we have a baby!!! It's still surreal to me that we have this little person that we're totally in charge of. It simultaneously feels like we borrowed her and also that she's always been part of our family. It's such a weird adjustment, but we love her and can't wait to see how she develops.

Motherhood is surreal. You hear a lot of women talk about the surge of emotions they have after giving birth... but I didn't give birth. It took about a day but the first surge I had was just holding her, this perfect little innocent baby, and realizing that some day someone would make fun of her, or hurt her, or break her heart and why would anyone do that to this little baby??? It's still crazy to think about, especially with all the pain in the world, and to also realize that everyone was someone's baby once.

Harley has also taken well to motherhood. We were worried about her being jealous (and the barking, which to be honest, is definitely a huge issue still) but instead she instead went into protective mama bear mode. It took her about a day to realize Brooke was an important, defenseless puppy and needed her full attention. She sleeps by the bassinet and always has to get a good sniff when we bring Brooke home to make sure she's ok. We constantly joke that Brooke is her baby. Callie has sniffed the baby like twice since we brought her home and could not be reached for comment.

One of the hardest parts for me, has been feeling a little cut off. People say they'll visit but few do (those few are amazing though). I know I've been guilty of this as well, but it's tough being on the receiving end. I had thoughts that Brooke and I would leave the house a lot during my maternity leave but I find it a lot harder than I expected because it throws off her eating and sleeping schedule. I'm hoping it will get better as she gets a little bigger.

This 6 week mark has been big for us. I feel so much better from the birth and surgery. Brooke is starting to smile and interact. We're getting used to our new life, and figuring out how things are going to work day-to-day long term. We're lucky that we've had a relatively easy baby but she does still cry when she's hungry or wants cuddles (sometimes just from Mom) and that can be tiring. For all of the work though, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

The Final Countdown: Baby is Coming!!!

We're near the end!!!! I wanted to do one more update before the baby is born  about how the third trimester has gone. I've been working on a total pregnancy round up as well with my thoughts on things that were helpful in managing symptoms during my pregnancy. For now, I just want to talk about how the last 12 weeks have gone for me.

Symptoms

The third trimester has been a little up and down for me. I definitely started feeling more tired and achy as I was dealing with my body being bigger and more difficult to move around. But the energy... that's been the most interesting to me. Early on in this trimester I was definitely feeling the fatigue (but not to the same level as the first trimester). As my pregnancy progressed though, I started drinking more raspberry leaf tea and eating dates to prepare for labor. I found that my energy got a lot better at the same time. As long as I slept decently, I could be really productive throughout the day. Instead of giving it all to my job and then crashing, I was able to get done the last of my baby chores and then cook a bunch of fun things (which has been nice therapy for me). I've read dates are great for energy so I definitely think that's been a big part of it.

My workout now

What's been more difficult are the aches with late pregnancy. Around 34 weeks, I started getting really bad pelvic pain. This is pretty normal but it was aggravated by certain movements like too much walking or exercise. That was my cue that it was time to stop going to the gym. Walking was tough - it's really good in pregnancy but too much and I 'd be in a lot of pain. Dan and I really tried to find a balance of shorter, flat walks that I could do. I also found swimming to be a nice relief and tried to go to the pool a little more.

Danger Alert

Throughout this pregnancy, and more so this last trimester, I've felt an overwhelming alertness to the dangers around me. I'm a little bit clumsy and a little bit daring generally... but in pregnancy my brain is more like "I can trip just walking through my house!!" I'm sure this is a normal feeling but sometimes I'm so preoccupied thinking of ways I might get hurt, that I almost stumble. It's definitely weird feeling like your body is so much more fragile than you're used to thinking of it. A year ago I was doing obstacle races and now I'm like "should I stand on this chair to get the bowl on the top shelf?"

I've heard some moms imply that this doesn't really go away. You see all the ways your children could get hurt and are always on preventative. At a BBQ the other day I definitely found myself really alert to any dangers the kids there could get into!

Nesting

I'm a pretty organized person. I've found that not having things ready gives me some anxiety and I tackled baby prep the same way I tackled the wedding and the same way I tackle most projects - I make lists and break things into smaller projects and knock out one thing at a time. Trying to get at least one thing done a week when you have a lot of time to prepare for a big event, helps break it down into something manageable.

The third trimester has been huge for this. A lot of our planning was getting to the baby shower and once that was done, I was very eager to get the nursery and everything else ready. It left us in a place where most things were done with over a month to go which was a really nice feeling. Now that we're down to days until the baby comes, we just have little housekeeping things to do - washing bottles, some dusting or tidying - nothing major.

It's funny how nesting affects people differently. I'm not a cleaning person. I love cooking and I'm cool with laundry but I hate cleaning things (I like them to be clean, it's just my least favorite chore). In my final weeks of pregnancy though I find myself going over areas of the house with the duster and cleaning wipes to get things as ready as possible. Dan is great with cleaning but a couple of weeks ago he went IN DEPTH with it. I pointed out he was nesting too and he said, "I always clean." The next day one of my pregnancy apps had an article about dad's nesting instincts because it's totally a thing.

Birth Classes

As your due date approaches, it's good to think about birth classes. All of the pregnancy books I read, said not to go to the classes at the hospital and instead to do Lamaze or Hypnobirthing or some natural based class. Well, the hospital classes were a fraction of the cost (babies are expensive, we have to think about these things!) and I'm giving birth at the hospital so we decided to take those classes and see what my options are at their facility. There was always the option to take the other classes later if we felt the need (we didn't but I did read a hypnobirthing book to get an idea of that technique as well).

And honestly... I loved them. I don't know if it's the hospital's agenda or our teacher's philosophy (and she was trained in some of the other methods!), but the class actually followed a lot of my ideas of how I'd like my birth to go. Instead of saying we needed to be strapped in and pumped full of drugs, she explained methods of opening your pelvis and having your partner help relax you through labor. It was not what I was expecting from the hospital at all, but it was exactly the kind of class I was looking for.

Birth Plan

So going off of that - let's talk about my plan. I won't go into every detail, but generally, I like the idea of a natural birth. To me, it's always made sense that being able to walk around, sit on a ball, squat, etc is a more natural way for a baby to come out than laying down. You can't walk around if you have an epidural. I don't think there is anything wrong with women who go that route, I just want to try it another way. I'm hoping that with my level of fitness and the types of torture I've voluntarily put my body through, that birth will just be another physical challenge - with the best reward at the end.

And I'm realistic. Giving birth feels like planning a wedding in a way. If you have a strict vision of how it has to go and are going to get upset if anything goes wrong - you're going to have a bad time. The best case is plan for your ideal situation, do everything you can to make that happen, and roll with the things that you can't control. I know I might be like "Forget this! Give me the drugs!" I may need a c-section. This might be a miserable experience. But it might not be, and I'd like to go into this with a calm mind and preparing for my ideal birth but being able to roll with anything that could happen.

What a Breech!

...which is where I am now. At my last appointment the doctor told us baby was breech. About 4% of babies end up in this position at the time of birth (so it's not very common and we have a chance of turning this around!). However, if baby stays in the wrong place, we'll have to have a scheduled c-section.

This was NOT part of my plan. I did a lot of research on everything I could possibly do to avoid a c-section. I've never had a surgery before and didn't want to start now. Dan also had some concerns after a friend had a traumatic birth last year.

That's one way to flip a baby

But what are our options? We could freak out and cry and be dramatic about it or we could stay calm and do all the exercises that may flip the baby and hope it all works out. If it doesn't, we do the surgery and take comfort knowing that a scheduled c-section is a very safe procedure, even if it's still major abdominal surgery. I've definitely been a little sad about it since getting the news but my focus has just been on staying calm and looking at the positives (we get baby a week early! scheduled c-section is easier to recover from than emergency c-section!).

Making Time for Me

If there's one thing I'm sure of (and just one thing - everything else about the birth and having a baby is up in the air!) it's that our lives are going to change when the baby comes. Everyone talks about the sleepless nights and how much work it is but I know there's no way I can fully understand until I'm there.

So it's been nice that my last trimester has been relatively easy. It's also come with a slump at work so the last month for me has been a really unstressful time. I've been able to read and take it really easy. No matter what kind of birth I have, it will require me to be calm and having a low key last month has been really nice for getting into that mindset. I'm just trying to enjoy my quiet time before I'm changing diapers, feeding every two hours, and trying to calm a crying baby. I don't know when I'll have a time in my life like this again.

That's where I am leading into my last couple of weeks of pregnancy. There's nothing too exciting to report, just that I'm hanging in here and trying to go into a super zen place as I prepare for birth. Those who know me, know that patience and tranquility are not really my strong suits, but I've found this real calmness throughout my whole pregnancy. I've been trying to focus in on it during this last stretch so I can really tap into that if I'm able to have a natural birth. I'm excited about what's to come though. I can't wait to see what my baby looks like and what kind of personality this kid will have. I am eagerly awaiting my first glass of wine, sushi, and being able to exercise in a couple of months. I look forward to baby wearing and going on long stroller walks to museums and the zoo while I'm on maternity leave. The pregnancy part of the journey is ending but we're starting a whole new set of adventures and we welcome a whole new person into our family.

The force is strong in my family!

Our Organic Journey Part 1: Produce & Pantry

This post has been a long time coming. Over the last year or so, Dan and I have been transitioning to a totally organic life. It's still a work in progress but I'd say we're 80% organic and loving it. I want to talk about that journey and what we've learned from the changes we've made because it's important.

As I started writing this, I realized had way more information than I could fit into one post so I broke it up into three. This is going to veer from being strictly about eating organic and also about eating cleaner in general. My goal is to provide tips to help you clean up your diet (and other areas in your life!) and doesn't strictly mean eating organic. There are ways to make better decisions even with non-organic food and I just want this to educational and accessible.

Organic delivery day!!!!

Some Background

Dan and I have eaten healthy for years. We eat a ton of vegetables and exercise often. We eat virtually no sugar or processed foods. I had been taking multi-vitamins and probiotics for a while (just the cheapest ones I could find). Despite all of this, I was getting sick ALL THE TIME. Between October 2017 and March 2018, I got sick 4 times - each for about a week. That's a week without going to the gym, or leaving the house much, or having energy to do basic things. It's debilitating and I was OVER IT.

Where it all began!!!

I decided to take a good hard look at my life, and all I could think was that I drink a significant amount of wine (but doesn't it have antioxidants?) and I work from home so maybe my low exposure has made my immune system vulnerable. That didn't seem to be enough to make me get sick so much. I talked to my doctor and all she could recommend was washing my hands more.

So I started washing my hands whenever I got home and after working out at the gym just to be safe. Around the same time, I was starting to read books on pregnancy because we were going to start trying. They all said the same thing: "STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND GO ORGANIC NOW." Maybe not quite in all caps but they went into detailed explanations about why non-organic products and food are SO bad and tips on what to switch to and how to clean up your life. I was shook.

We made changes slowly over a several month period of time but in the process we found out a lot of really cool stuff. I also got sick WAY less often. I went from getting something every month or two to barely getting sick at all (even while pregnant, with a lower immune system, I got two very mild colds all winter). I wanted to share some of our tips and experiences to help anyone else thinking of going this route.

Healthy AND Organic!

Produce

When people think organic, produce is the most obvious thing that comes to mind. Grocery stores have big produce sections divided by organic or conventional and it's to see. Since college, I've seen this area and avoided it and it's high costs. After reading my books, I learned why this may have been a bad idea. To start out - not all conventional produce is bad. In fact, there's an annual list of which fruits and veggies are more likely to be susceptible to pesticides and other issues, and what's generally safe. As you can imagine, anything with a thick rind or exterior tends to be ok but here's the latest Clean 15/ Dirty Dozen list so you have an idea where to start.

Now what are the best places to buy your organic Dirty Dozen? First up - Costco is amazing for organic produce and other groceries. Generally, they always have an option of organic or not, and if they don't, it's because the organic option is the only option. Cost wise, it's easy to see side by side what the difference is (with green beans I bought recently, they were the same price). When there's only one option, it's not bad either. We love bell peppers but they're not the cheapest vegetable. However, the organic ones from Costco are always competitive with conventional grocery store peppers.

Imperfect but still looking good!

We also found a service called Imperfect Produce. I've been unhappy with other CSAs despite loving the concept. Imperfect Produce works a little differently. They take the produce that grocery stores don't want (weird size, different shape, or simply just a surplus) and sell it at a discount. This makes organic vegetables more affordable and delivered straight to my door. As with anything, it has pros and cons. Everything is completely customizable and it's easy to skip weeks if you don't need it or don't like the options. On the cons - don't expect perfection. I know it says it in the name but I still get caught off guard when I get a beet the size of my head or a butternut squash smaller than my left hand. In any case, here's a referral if you're interested.

A look at the Flipp app!

Lastly, I've recently discovered Sprouts. I mean, I've known about them forever and it's been a great, inexpensive healthy food option, but thanks to a Facebook post from a gym friend, I've discovered their weekly deals. Their weekly flier comes out every Monday or Tuesday and is good Wednesday-Wednesday. That means that every Wednesday, this and the previous week's deals are both available. I've been going to Sprouts every Wednesday to maximize my benefit. I use an app called Flipp to mark things in the ad I'm interested in and use it as a shopping list.

Stores like Trader Joe's, Aldi, and Whole Foods are also great for a lot of organic options at reasonable prices. Now that Whole Foods is owned by Amazon, they have a lot of surprise deals on high quality produce. I recommend still using apps like Flipp to check for deals before you go. You can plan your shopping list and menu around what you already know will be on sale.

Another solution is growing your own!!! I don't feel like you totally need organic seeds or an organic starter plant (although this would help) but when you're managing your own garden, you're in control of the fertilizing and pesticides so you know you can keep it clean. I'm going to talk more about gardening in another post, but since it's technically produce, wanted to mention it now too. Even if you have a small space, there are a lot of hanging gardens and window box options so you can at least do a small herb or pepper garden!

I have some bias here because I don't really mind grocery shopping (I know some people hate it), but now that I have my grocery "schedule," it's been even easier. I go to Sprouts on my lunch break every Wednesday. I get my Imperfect Produce box every Thursday. I can coordinate these because I've picked my Imperfect Produce by Tuesday and also used Flipp to decide what I will be buying on sale at the store. I usually also go to Vons or Trader Joes at some point during the week to fill in any gaps of things that aren't available at Sprouts (TJs and Sprouts are pretty similar so I'm 100% talking about TJs' chocolate covered coconut almonds and freezer items which are unparalleled).

Disclaimer: it can be hard to know
how much you're getting from Imperfect!

Pantry Items

The pantry is really where this journey began years and years ago. Before I went Paleo and now organic, my original goal was just to not eat chemicals. When you word it like that, I think most people would think, "oh gross, yea, I don't want to eat chemicals." I started by just reading labels. If there were long chemical words I didn't know, I didn't buy it. It was pretty eye opening. From there, I found other weird trends in food labels. Have you ever read a pasta sauce label? I challenge you to go read a label for a big brand pasta sauce. Most of them have sugar. Why? Pasta sauce shouldn't be sweet. But sugar is an inexpensive preservative and... it's addictive. It's the reason you keep going back to foods you know aren't good for you.

SAAUUCCCEEEE

With the pasta sauce, I started with just reading labels. I found other sauces that had ingredients that make more sense for pasta sauce: tomatoes, salt, pepper, garlic, herbs.... real things that I'd expect!!! When I moved to San Diego, I decided to up the game and try making sauce from canned or fresh tomatoes. That didn't go so well... however, cans of plain tomato sauce are inexpensive and provide a great blank canvas. You can get a box of cans at Costco for ~$10 (to contrast, one jar of pre-made stuff is like $6) and it lasts months. It's also organic. I love adding my own seasoning, herbs, veggies, and meats to a can of plain tomato sauce. And the only ingredient? TOMATOES!!!!

So if you're trying to clean up your pantry game, here is my step by step to buying items that are better for you:

1. Read the label
2. Is there one with fewer, purer ingredients?
3. Can I make this myself for not too much work or money?
4. Is there an organic option?

And of course... I have some money saving tips!!

Not my dream pantry but I'm stocked up!
Including a few extras that I got on sale

First, Costco is always gold. I've been shopping there for myself since college and I'm amazed year over year how much more of their stock is becoming organic/natural/clean. For just about everything, there is an organic option (either this is the only option or they have a regular and an organic). For the meats and things listed above, this can have a price increase... but in the pantry area it's usually really comparable! If you're not a Costco member, I'd see if a friend can take you. With Venmo and things, it's easy to pay someone back and being able to do a test shop before committing to the membership, is a good idea. You also get two cards per membership so it could be worth joining with another household. If you're doing that and buying a lot, the executive membership gives you a voucher every year. Ours just about covers our membership and that's just for two people (who also are using services like Butcherbox, Imperfect Produce, and other grocery stores for a lot of shopping). Unrelated to food - Costco also has a travel service where you'll get things like Costco gift cards (we booked our honeymoon this way and got like $200 to Costco in addition to it being the cheapest site to book the trip and some bonuses during our stay). Likewise, they have printing site (cheapest photo prints and cards around), optometrist, and pharmacy.

If you're not ready to join Costco, or they just don't have what you're looking for (or in the size you need!), I also highly recommend just paying attention to deals. I already mentioned Sprouts but I'll say it again - check out the double deal Wednesdays!!! Pantry items are on sale more than fresh ones and they last!!! If you know you eat a lot of a pantry item and it goes on sale, there's no harm in stocking up. I use an app called Flipp to mark items on sale that I'm interested in. When I'm shopping, I just open the "list" part of the app and see if I want to get anything that I clipped. I always go on Wednesday so I have my two weeks of deals and whatever is in the monthly ad all saved on my phone.  I use it mostly for Sprouts but if I'm going to another store to stock up on groceries, I'll scan their deals as well in case there is anything really good.

Lastly, Amazon can be a great place for organic pantry items. You can use the Prime Pantry service to get a discount on a variety of pantry items. I personally like subscribe and save though. I get a few of my pantry staples and seasonings on subscription which gets me an extra 15% off of the price. Sometimes I don't need items as frequently as the subscription is set but all I have to do is update it a week before my monthly delivery date. With such a big database of products though, it's a great place to search for organic items and compare prices.

Like most things, pantry discounts come with buying on sale and buying in bulk. If you have a nice sized pantry or storage, this is way easier. I've been able to take advantage of more deals since we started living in houses instead of apartments. I DREAM of having a butler's pantry some day though so I can really go nuts in this department. Right now I have to carefully keep in mind how much cabinet space I have. I'd love to stock up more, but for now, just adding something to my list when I'm running low is good enough.

---

I have one more pregnancy post that I'd like share before the baby comes but then I'll get back to parts 2 & 3 of this series so stay tuned over the summer for more on how to slowly change to an organic lifestyle.

2nd Trimester Updates

I don't want you to think this blog is all baby posts. I've actually been working on something really cool and informative. I started the post and had SO MUCH information that I realized it would make more sense as two posts... and as I was working on the first part, I realized that was really long too and it should actually be a series. I'm not sure how to break it up yet so I think I should write the whole thing and then figure it out... so there's been some delay. In the meantime, here's an update on me though!

Third Trimester!!!

I'm 2/3 of the way through my pregnancy! It's exciting to hit the final stretch and the last three months have been a world different than the first three. They say the second trimester is the best trimester and so far it feels right. Now that I'm starting my third trimester, I still feel really good but I can tell my body is turning a corner and things are getting a little less comfortable. It's changing slowly so I'm trying to still enjoy the times I feel great.

Energy

I didn't realize how tired I was the first trimester, until I wasn't anymore. First trimester fatigue is kind of like depression. You're not just tired - you don't want to do annyyyttthiiinnngggg. Being tired or sleepy is one thing but all I was able to do most of the time was watch bad reality tv and read things online. I didn't even have the energy to focus on good tv or read a book.

Now my energy is amazing most days. I've always been someone who crashes in the afternoon so it's hard to tell if my 4pm sleepiness is pregnancy or just my normal internal clock. the rest of the day, I'm good. I've been able to double time my productivity at work and around the house which is great for preparing for baby (and finally changing my name!!!). I've loved being able to knock out projects and feel close to normal.

We even went on a hike!
I slept for like 2 days after this... but we did it!!

Dealing with Symptoms

Luckily, the second trimester is pretty symptom light! Despite having more energy, I still have days where I totally crash and just want to nap. They're more spread out and can be avoided when I go to sleep early and sleep well (which is harder to control). Other than that, it's just getting used to have a bigger body and some of the side effects that come from your body making room for baby. I won't get into the details but compared to morning sickness, it's all minorly inconvenient.

Exercise

This one is bittersweet for me. On one hand, I've been able to get back to the gym semi-regularly. It's nothing like what I was doing before but getting into class twice a week and sometimes making it to the YMCA to swim has felt so good. I honestly feel like being able to exercise and eat normally again have helped make the last few months of pregnancy really smooth for me. If I have future pregnancies, I'm definitely going to try to push through the first trimester a little harder because I do feel like the vegetables and working out help ease the discomfort no matter how much you don't want to try it at the time.

There are some downsides though. Pregnancy fitness can feel reallllyyyy limiting. I'm still able to do quite a bit but with every passing week, I find more things I need to modify. On one hand, burpees, pull ups, push ups, and planks were some of the first things I had to get rid of (DARN 😆 ), but it's also meant eliminating things I do enjoy (core work, heavy weight lifting, obstacle training). I go to a class twice a week that Dan teaches. He's made me my own workouts so I can go and see my friends but sometimes he forgets a modification for me or my workout is much shorter and I feel really left out. The hard part is that I'm still very strong... my body just can't take the impact of a heavy workout. So when I modify by lowering the weights, it ends up being too easy for me. It's great that I'm doing something but it's less exciting without the challenge. I'm really looking forward to being able to train again post-baby and I'm already thinking about some races for next year.

Body Image

Your changing body creates complicated feelings feelings during pregnancy. For the most part, I'm all about it. I know making a baby is an amazing crazy thing that our bodies can do and it's so impressive how we adapt to handle it. On the other hand, it's hard not to feel self conscious when clothes stop fitting and you're bigger than you've ever been (with months of growing still to go!!!).

Buying a bikini top while pregnant
does not inspire confidence.

The real issue with body image is that  your pregnancy doesn't occur in a vacuum. It's hard not to compare yourself to other pregnant women. When I see a bump photo, I check what week they're on and compare it to my own progress. Sometimes, I see someone bigger and I feel relieved but sometimes I see these tiny women who have gained like 5 lbs and have a belly the size of mine at 8 weeks and I feel like I let the cookies get out of hand. There is a yoga instructor I follow that gives me particular anxiety. She's about a month behind me and is always complaining about how big she's getting even though her bump is tiny and she says she's hardly gained any weight. I know we all have thoughts on our own bodies but someone in that position should realize how her comments make other pregnant women feel when they are gaining weight at a faster pace.

The other tough thing can be what other people say. For the most part, people tell me I look great or my bump is cute. I love hearing that I'm only gaining weight in my belly. I really don't like hearing "you don't even look pregnant." I've gained over 25 lbs so far. My body was super athletic before. It's not the same now. Hearing that I don't look pregnant makes me feel like I just let myself go instead of this other really awesome thing that my body is making. It's also hard hearing "wow you look big!" No woman, in any situation, ever wants to hear that. I already feel like I'm gaining weight a little faster than I should be, so it's a delicate situation. If you're ever wondering what to tell a pregnant woman - tell her she looks beautiful.

Kind of related to this - I saw some coworkers who are on the East coast. Many made comments about how big I was getting but one just said "I hope you have a good baby!" and then he felt uncomfortable like he said the wrong thing... but honestly that's a great thing to say too! I hope I have a good baby! Whether that means healthy or well behaved (or preferably both), I'm down for a good baby!

Mom Mode

AND I'm knitting a blanket!
Nesting so hard right now.

Anyone who knows me, knows I like to do a lot. I work full time (and I'm really good at my job), I cook dinner most nights, workout frequently, run an Etsy business, and have about 1708099 hobbies. I like to keep busy. I know I'll need to cut back on some things post baby but the one thing I've always respected about moms - most of the time, they seem like they're doing it all. I plan to still work and cook and exercise while raising the crap out of this baby. During the first trimester, when I was exhausted and sick, I kept thinking "how do people do this?" I couldn't imagine taking care of a baby and working and doing everything else I do, and what if I got pregnant again? It felt impossible.

Now that I have my energy back, I've been challenging myself to be like a mom. I love the days when I have the energy to get all my work done, make dinner, and get a bunch of things ready for the baby. When I'm tired and would rather take the easy option for dinner, I remind myself that tired isn't an excuse when you're a mom.

Don't get me wrong, I still let myself relax. I know this is my last stretch of freedom to relax before baby comes. It's all about balance. If I need to take a day to nap and rest my pregnant body, I do. If I feel like I have a lot to do and I'm just laying around because it's easy, I push myself to do the things. I'm practicing for mom mode and I think it's going alright.

Friends

In my last post, I felt like I was in a weird place with friends. It can be hard being pregnant - you're technically no longer childless (and you're definitely not as into the bar scene) but you don't really have a kid yet either so you can't organize play dates with your mom friends. It felt really lonely, but now, a few months later, it doesn't feel so bad. I think a lot of the issue in early pregnancy is that people don't know you're pregnant. In my case, I also didn't feel well. That can lead to a lot of self-inflicted isolation. I felt sick, I was hiding that I wasn't drinking, and I exhausted. Of course that didn't make me feel like a social butterfly. Now that my pregnancy is public knowledge, people check on me and I feel more social again. It's not as lonely as it was those first few months.

Still enjoying parties while pregnant (and sneaking out early for burritos and sleep)

I also made some headway on finding pregnant friends. A couple friends came forward and let me know they were also pregnant so I've had some people to talk to. I found a mom version of Tinder. So far I've just been trying to match with other pregnant ladies and I've gone a couple of friend dates that went really well. I'm building a tiny circle of future moms that will all have babies close in age to our little Piglet.

Missing Mom

A picture of my mom while pregnant

As most of you know, my mom passed away a couple of years ago. For most of the time since, I would burst into tears thinking about how she wouldn't be around when I had kids. She wanted me to have kids so badly. One of the last things she asked me was if I was planning on having a baby soon. I know she wanted to hold out until I was ready to start a family, but she just wasn't able to.

I'm not going to lie, doing this without my mom is hard. I wish I knew more about her pregnancies. She told me some stories but there was so much I never thought to ask. I wonder what her symptoms were like and if we are having similar experiences. I wish she was around to give me advice or to help those first couple of weeks. I know she would be helping me make Brazilian food for the shower instead of me needing to get those items catered. I know she would disagree with us not wanting to find out the gender. I'm sure she would have a million opinions on everything. She would love to see pictures of me with my bump.

It's a lot to handle. Pregnancy is full of emotions so I try not to dwell on it. With the anniversary of her passing recently and Mother's Day approaching, this time of year is always a little harder and I find myself forgetting I can't text her my weekly bumpdate more and more (thanks pregnancy brain!).

What's Next

Now that we're in the third trimester, things are pretty real. Baby has an 80-95% chance of survival if I went into labor right now (but don't worry, we're going to try to keep baby in the oven at least another 12 weeks). Anyways, it's time to really get ready for this kid's arrival.

We started our birth classes. Our hospital had a lot of options so we decided to do ones that were shorter, weekly classes. Closer to the due date, we'll also take a couple classes on things we'll need to know once baby arrives. I've been finishing up the third trimester and birth chapters of my pregnancy books and soon I'll start the baby ones.

We've been selling old furniture and other things we don't need so we can make space for baby. After the shower, we'll clear out the guest bed and really get cracking on the nursery. In the meantime, we're doing some other small house projects that will be harder to tackle with a new born, as well as just doing some spring cleaning in preparation for the baby shower and baby.

I have to admit, it still doesn't totally feel real. I understand that I am pregnant and there will be a baby in a few months and our lives will change, but having never done this before (or really having a baby close in my life), it's hard to wrap my head around what that will be like on a day to day basis. It's easy for me to be like "I'm going to not be pregnant anymore and there will be baby I have to breastfeed and take with me everywhere and then I'll get some sushi and have a glass of wine!" It's easier for me to understand the "not being pregnant anymore" aspect than the "baby you have to take care of all the time" part.

I know we'll figure it out and do great but it's crazy to think of what a big change this will be in our lives. It's one I'm very ready for, but also hoping baby is really easy going since I'll have a lot to figure out!

This little one will be real soon!!!