Day 20
Dan's birthday dinner really threw me off in a few ways. I had a lot of meats and things in the fridge and wasn't quite sure how to schedule them out since we ate out for a meal. I feel really bad about food going to waste, and I've been buying nicer ingredients so that's double wasteful. I decided to go on a day of cooking lots of big exciting things.
I was also feeling a little sluggish though. Despite my best efforts to order clean, I feel like there may have been some sneaky gluten or sugar or something bad in my food from the restaurant. I felt like I'd been hit by a train. If that's how I feel from just the possibility of some bad oils or a touch of gluten or sugar being in my food than it's really even more reason to stick with it (in moderation) once the 30 days is over. I'll have more on that down the road, but it was definitely my first big realization on what I'm thinking of for life after Whole30.
To compound all of that, Tuesdays are the busiest day at work for me and 90 minutes after I'd signed online, there was still no one from my team online.
I decided to call a timeout. Scallops were one of the things I'd bought that I was worried about. I couldn't think of any scallop breakfast dishes so I decided just to do a salad. Whatever, I don't need no breakfast police telling me what I can eat when.
I also roasted some marrow bones as a kind of second breakfast. I'm a little on the fence about these. The taste is great and they are so good for you. They're reasonably easy to make also. However, I'm a big texture eater and without toast or something to put these on, it's just ooey gooeyness in your mouth and that's not super pleasant. I think I'd want to explore some other options for eating these in the future.
For lunch, I had some fresh salmon that I cut up to have like sashimi. This would have been great with some cucumber but I'm so bad at using them that it doesn't make sense for me to buy one, use a little, and then waste it.
This also ended up being a perfect lunch because I was swamped at work and it was super easy to prepare. Which gets me started on one of the things that was making my week so stressful. I don't have a stressful job. It's one of the reasons I took it. It paid a little less than I was used to but I was ok with that for the peace of mind and flexibility. However, I'm feeling like week after week, more and more of my interactions have been stressful and condescending and that I can't even enjoy my lunch breaks.
For dinner, I had one more big thing I wanted to cook for the day. I have an amazing cookbook called Nom Nom Paleo: Food for Humans. It's probably my favorite paleo cookbook and I have a lot of them so you can take it on pretty good authority that it's awesome. There's a recipe for beautiful whole Branzini that I've always wanted to try but I never see them in stores. I've done it a few times with trout but I finally saw Branzini at Whole Foods and had to buy them. They were a little pricey but I was really impressed with the offer to clean them out for me and that definitely helped justify their expense.
The recipe is pretty straight forward - just season the fish and stuff it with lemon and fresh herbs. You then coat it with ghee and let 'em broil. Ok, that was really oversimplified but short of writing out someone else's recipe, that gives you the jist.
I made the fish with some cauliflower rice and rainbow chard for a lovely, light summer dinner... that would have been perfect with some Rosé.... I'm definitely getting to the point where I'm really missing the wine.
And I know exactly what it has to do with - Bad days.
Tuesday was the start of a string of bad days for me. I was just so stressed out with work and my big energy rush was crashing. All of that combined with trying to fit in cooking and workouts and dealing with the fallout of my aunt's passing... it's all been really hard and stressful. I went to the movies later that night (and of course stepped in dog poop that someone didn't clean up because when you're having a hard time, it can always get worse.. I was wearing new shoes for the first time too, of course) with a coworker and told her about everything I was dealing with. I just wanted to cry.
I wish I could then turn it around and be like "but Whole30 makes me feel perfect so I don't want wine or chocolate or mac & cheese because I'm super woman eating super foods." It's not like that. I wish there was a chapter in the book on how to deal when you're feeling weak and having a hard time but there isn't. My options were to quit, have the chocolate, have the wine, and be done with it... or to not quit, push through, and be happy with that. Maybe that is the lesson... the silver lining... that as much as giving in would have felt nice, I know I would have felt horrible for quitting. That would have been the last thing I needed - to feel that in addition with so many things being difficult for me, I couldn't even do that one thing in my power to control.
And maybe the strength in ourselves is the one thing to cling onto - because when so many things are disappointing, you can at least work to not disappoint yourself.
Day 21
Wednesday was a little better. I was still feeling a lot of the same stress and was still getting really overwhelmed. Work was a little slower but it's still hard to deal with people sending you rude emails because they don't understand things. I decided to take a longer lunch break and get some fresh air and feel better.
That definitely helped and then I came home and prepared a random lunch with more items-that-will-go-bad-soon from the fridge. It ended up being kind of super awesome. I had scallops, prosciutto wrapped figs, guacamole, and the rest of my salmon sashimi. I haven't loved the use of coconut aminos instead of soy sauce but I did like the guacamole as a topping for the scallops and the sashimi. The acidity from the lemon in it really went well with the fish.
I was still feeling pretty "meh" about doing my run though. However, living with a personal trainer, makes it hard to be lazy with those things. Dan is always there to push me when I'm not feeling like getting my workouts in and it's so helpful. Him and Harley came with me on a nighttime run around the harbor and showed me some new sites. It actually was really exhilarating to get out and it helped worked through some of my frustration for sure. I need to remind myself that working out gives you endorphins and endorphins make you happy and happy people don't chuck their work laptop over their balcony.
For dinner, I just made a simple salad with slow cooker pork, tomatoes, apricots, and spinach. I wasn't super hungry after my run which is weird so it was nice to just throw together something simple and easy.
Day 22
Day 22 started with some adorableness. Callie had been at the vet getting her teeth cleaned the whole day before. Since we brought her home, Harley kept following her around all day. She had been so worried about her sister not being there. It was pretty cute. Callie was on some meds so she didn't even mind too much.
Work went better too and there wasn't much to report there. It's still frustrating getting rude emails though, but at least there were fewer of them.
Moving on to fun things... my coworker friend and I had tickets to a dance show that night! We decided to get all dressed up so it was a fun excuse to ruffle through my closet and pick out something fun to wear. It was also nice to see that my dresses were fitting a lot better. Having made it past my Tuesday hurdles definitely felt worth it to know that it's paying off - my stomach is looking flatter, my skin is clear, and I do feel great when I'm not stressed. I had so many people comment on my picture that they're noticing the change and it's so helpful in continuing the journey.
The show was great too! It was Move LIVE on Tour with the Hough siblings. I don't watch Dancing with the Stars so I didn't know what to expect but Lindsey really wanted to go and it sounded fun. It was amazing. They are so talented and I'm not really sure how they danced for 90 minutes and continued to breath. For someone with a long list of fitness goals, it is so motivating to see people do such amazing things with their bodies. I wanted to go home and run a few miles or play Dance Central or just MOVE. It was a perfect night out and I'm so happy Lindsey invited me! It was such a great mental boost.
Day 23
By Friday, I was definitely feeling better in general. I still wasn't back up to some of my earlier energy levels and wasn't waking up an hour early to get my run in like I had planned.. but better.
Better enough to make Dan and I and awesome breakfast of sweet potatoes, bacon, and spinach, topped with poached eggs and hot sauce. It's seriously one of my favorite breakfasts to make and you'll see it pop up quite a bit on my Instagram.
That evening, I went on my run. This workout was pretty interesting. It was supposed to be 5 1-mile laps with a warm up and cool down. I had trouble finding a good loop until Dan showed me a new area on the Harbor on our Wednesday run. It was a little island that was about a mile.... except that in the summer the symphony is set up there... and they had a show Friday night... so half the island was closed off. I decided to just do shorter laps around the other half and do more of them. I figured about 8-10 laps would be great (in the end, I don't know how many I did).
I had a lot of fun playing with different speeds. I did not have a lot of fun having guys on Segways try to follow me and check me out. It really bothers me how men think women running are just an open invitation for cat calls and advances. So to any men watching me or anyone else run, here is what they are thinking "MY workout has nothing to do with YOU." I would fathom a guess that almost everyone out there running or biking or whatever, is doing it because they want to accomplish something, not to get some attention from stranger so please, don't make my run about you. That is my time.
Besides that though, there were lots of bunnies and I got to listen to the symphony on my run which was incredibly lovely. Dan and Harley met me for the end of it and we all walked back together. Coincidentally, all of the bunnies made themselves scarce around the time puppy turned up.
After the run, I threw together a fun summer dinner. I made little sweet potato pulled pork sliders, grilled peppers, and some carrot and broccoli slaw. I love how I made that sound so easy... I mean, for the most part it was. However, those carrots and broccolis DID NOT come that way. Between a knife and a julienne peeler, I got a small amount of carrot, broccoli, and finger shredded before I finally gave up. I made the dressing from mayo, apple cider vinegar, garlic, and pepper. It kind of tasted like ranch which is definitely going into the mental data base.
The finger... will heal in time. I probably didn't help things much by almost chopping it off again last night. Luckily that one didn't break the skin but I'm literally cutting it very close.
Summary
Obviously, I had a lot of struggles these days... but as you know, the night is always darkest before the dawn. I don't know if anyone can find 30 consecutive days and know that you won't hit any obstacles during that time. Hell, I hit one of the biggest obstacles in my life on Day 1. On those hard days though - you can't give up. Those are the days that we have to remember why we are doing this - to feel better about ourselves, to have clothes fit better, to chase away cravings, to experiment with new recipes, to run a half marathon.
I think you'll notice in the last few posts that I don't have food pictures every day. Don't worry, that's not me cheating, just being a little lazy. I'm definitely someone who loves and is totally ok with leftovers so where possible, I'll make enough to get me by on those. I have fun cooking so I try to do that as much as possible and have leftovers for breakfast and lunch. However, this week took such a mental toll on me, that I found it hard to come up with creative new recipes and most days found myself scrambling to get something thrown together. I also was snacking a lot which is not encouraged on the program. The main story here is - I'm human and find it really hard to keep up with this every day like anyone else would. Loving to cook and eat good food definitely is a big help, but that doesn't mean I can always pull it off.
Man when this is over though, I am breaking off the biggest piece of sea salt almond dark chocolate.
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