I have a couple of small points to add though that are mostly just more of what I've learned as time goes on. Mostly - my answer to "how are you?" is the same as it was week 1. Every day is different. Some days I don't struggle at all aside from the usual wanting to call my mom or having a dream with her (these are both almost daily occurrences). Other days will be bad. I'll get worked up about other people not appreciating their parents. I'll want to talk non-stop about my mom. I'll cry for hours. Grief is weird. Mostly though, aside from a few instances, I've tried to keep my grief private. I'm sure people expect me to act or have acted a certain way but the truth is that all grief is different. Without the person in my life that I would most like to grieve to (because it's the person I'm grieving of), I find internalizing it or sharing it occasionally with close friends is how I've dealt with it. I've also tried to really celebrate her life. We added a mantle to our fireplace which will be filled with pictures of my mom. I wear her jewelry and clothes. I share funny or touching memories and pictures of her. It helps her feel alive and keeps her close to me each day.
So yea, grief is weird. The article has my over-arching views on some of the things that happen when you lose someone. Everyone's experience will be different but I hoped to touch on things that might help others someday with their own loss or just in understanding others who are going through it.
I recently lost my mom. Loss is hard on it's own but when you pair it with all of the things you have to do when you lose someone, it can be extra challenging. There are so many things I never even thought about when I considered what it would be like to lose a parent and I hope that passing on some of that knowledge will help others when they have to deal with that. There are also so many emotions to process. We don't talk about death a lot in our society so I wanted to share what that experience is really like.
Bereavement Is Not for Being Sad, It's Because There Is A Lot to Do.
I always thought bereavement time was to wear black and cry and not have to focus on work when you're sad. It can be for that, but there are also a lot of things to deal with when a person passes away. First, you need to deal with the body. Did they leave instructions? If not, you will need to decide if they will be buried or cremated. We had to make that decision and it was extremely difficult. I spent a whole day just googling the options.Are you going to have a service? Will it be in a church or home or some place of importance? This one is also difficult because generally you have a funeral very soon after a death and some places may not be available. My mom passed away the week of Easter so we had to wait until after the holiday to have a service for her if we wanted to do it anywhere meaningful. You also only have a few days to put it together - order flowers, print pictures, make programs, spread the word, print an obituary. My brothers and I luckily were able to split the load easily and get a lot done but this can be really challenging if you don't have a lot of people to help. I can't even imagine what happens when you don't have some immediate family.
There are also so many other details that my dad handled. He ran around that week closing accounts and paying off bills. I've heard stories of people causing a fuss and demanding the death certificate when you try to close an account after death but my dad said he didn't face any of those hurdles.
The point is - there is a whole lot to do so no, bereavement is not sad time. My advice would be to use the internet, ask people, and don't do it on your own. People will always offer to help you when you've gone through a loss and this is a good place to direct some of it.
You Think About Possessions Differently
You acquire a lot of belongings over the course of a life. My mom loved stuff. She wasn't a hoarder by any means but she had an appreciation for beautiful things from all walks of life. She never had a distinct style, but her home is an amalgamation of art and items carefully curated over the course of a very full life. The problem is now those things need to go somewhere. My dad will definitely want to keep the home decorations in place for now and will use some of the stuff but the majority of items in his house are things he has no use for.These things are really what I have left of my mom so I don't want to get rid of them. I am tasked with figuring out how this stuff will fit into my life and what I can do with it. As someone who does not need anything myself, I'm trying to find a balance between keeping my mom close but also not overflowing my house with things I can't possibly place. It will definitely be a process.
The way I'm planning on dealing with it is to slowly bring home things that I really like or have special meaning to me. I started with her jewelry and handbags which I took all of as they have more longevity and personality than normal items. I feel like her jewelry will be a good way to create a legacy where I can hand them down to my niece and any future daughters when they are old enough to appreciate it.
As for the rest, my brothers and I will have to slowly chip away at it. We know that we will have to deal with it one day and I think if we slowly try to do it now, it will be easier when we really have to find a place for it all. Stuff is hard though. I tried to look through my mom's clothes and it brought me crashing back to a time when she had enough life to wear sparkly jeans or steal my dresses and I had to close the closet until another day.
You Have No Idea How Other People Are Feeling
In the days after my mom's death, I was a much sadder and quieter shell of myself. I didn't really want to talk to anyone but I'd have to go out and get food and exist in the world. I wouldn't say that I was rude but I wasn't friendly either. I basically was just quiet, only said what I needed to, got what I came for, and left. Maybe I exuded sadness because no one asked anything or told me to smile or seemed put out by my lack of friendliness. I think of all the times girls are told to smile and if someone told me that at that point in my life, I would have lost it. How dare you tell me to smile - you have no idea what I'm going through.Despite this, I still need to be more mindful that others may be going through a hard time when they seem quiet or dramatic or less than friendly. On our way back from a trip I took with my husband shortly after my mom died, we were diverted and delayed because of a storm. Many people missed their connections and had to be put on late flights that were also delayed. We took the next available flight and just put up with the hours of waiting because it was better than fighting mother nature. We saw many people come up to the gate desk and just throw a fit because of the delays. I saw one older lady throw her bag and break down in tears and just thought "You're a grown woman, everyone is delayed. You are not seriously crying over this."
That lady then sat down nearby and started calling her family. Through the tears, I overheard some of her conversation. It sounded like someone back home had suddenly died and the only person around was a kid or teenager who didn't know how to deal with it. She was trying to get back to help them and pick up the many pieces after something like this happens. I felt like such an jerk. Hadn't I just gone through this? Shouldn't I know better than anyone that throwing a fit or being sad in public doesn't mean you're a bad person but maybe something bad recently happened in your life?
So, next time someone is less than great in public, it's worth thinking about what else they might have going on in their lives.
Grief Will Hit You at Weird Times
Obviously, I was very sad after immediately hearing about my mom's death. I basically slept two days straight and didn't want to talk to anyone and then we had to get to work preparing her funeral. Planning my mom's service gave me a sense of purpose and a way to honor her and it made it hard to be very sad. I barely cried at all the day of her funeral. In fact, one of the times I did cry was because after it all, I wanted to call her and tell her that my friends came and wasn't that nice of them? That's when I remembered that I couldn't. I'll never know what she thought about that.That's more or less how it goes. I went to Europe on a cruise the week after her funeral on a trip that had been planned months in advance. While the escape was nice, it also gave me a lot of time to think about everything. My mom had said the last couple of Christmases that "next year" we would do a family cruise for Christmas so that no one had to throw a party. It was always "next year" because she was too sick to travel. I remembered this while on this cruise and realized that now there wouldn't be a "next year." She'd never get her family cruise.
And it goes on like that. Now that the dust has settled, it's much harder than that first week. My first actual week back home and working as usual had a lot of hard moments. I had called my mom almost every day for years. Sometimes we would talk for 5 minutes, and sometimes for an hour. I'd usually call her whenever work was slow or I was taking a break. Well, the first time I had one of those lulls at work, I thought, "I should call M-- oh, I can't do that."
The idea of future milestones without her is a nonstarter for me. I talk a lot about having kids some day with my friends because I'm the kind of person that likes to be ultra prepared. In one conversation, a friend was talking about breast feeding vs formula and asked which I was. I realized I didn't know and I couldn't ask anymore. As much as I'm excited about having kids some day, it's also a realization that every part of that experience will be something I won't share with my mom.
Fiction Is Really Bad at Dealing with Death
How frequently in a television show or a movie is death trivialized? A LOT. Some of my favorite TV shows deal with deaths of main characters all the time. Kind of. The problem is no one really dies. They can be resurrected or have a flash back or another version in an alternative timeline or dimension. If your favorite character dies in TV, it's ok, you'll be seeing them again.That's not how death really works. It's permanent. With the way it's thrown around in fiction, it's really hard to grasp that. It's taken me a month to really start to feel that permanence. Up until now, it felt like she could have been on vacation. Well, the vacation is up and she's still not coming home. Television needs to respect us more by showing more realistic death - not re-visiting the characters in some form every now and again so we never really have to miss them the way we have to when someone really dies.
I recently watched a movie that I loved, which also dealt with a major character death. However, this time, they made it permanent. The main characters mourned, they had a funeral, other characters that were in conflict came together because the loss made them realize what was important. It felt more real. It was quickly overshadowed the next week though when finales of several of my shows killed so many characters you knew most wouldn't actually be dead. TV and movies do a real disservice by either making death into something not permanent or a killing spree. So few movies actually show how the loss affected the characters and it's really important to show since everyone will deal with it some day.
You'll Think About Time Differently
My mom was not super young when she died, but I still feel like she should have had so much more time. I look at people who are in their 50s and their parents are 20 years older than them and still alive and they're best friends and it makes me a little annoyed. I'll never have that. My mom and I only had a few years of that time when you're just friends with your parents because you're an adult and don't need to be raised anymore. We had so much we wanted to do from visiting restaurants she saw on TV to going on a big trip to Portugal to something as little as seeing the new Beauty and the Beast movie. We couldn't do any of it and it tugs at my heart to consider doing them on my own. I thought we had more time. I thought I was still in the "marriage and kids" part of my life, not the "losing parents" part.
I've always been the type of person to do as much in my life as possible. I've traveled more in the last ten years than most people ever do. I have a lot of hobbies. I truly live my life, but I still feel like I could make more of my time. I started trying to really embrace my downtime, stop putting off projects or making plans with people. It definitely means being really non-stop but who knows when our time will be? I definitely thought my mom should have lived another 20 years. Maybe we won't get as much time as we think we will - and I want to know that I did as much with my time as I could.
You'll Learn A Lot About the People in Your Lives
It's hard to know what to do for someone who is grieving. I had a friend lose a parent a month before I did and my first thought was "oh shit - how do I help them?" I offered any help I could to her and then I googled "what to do for a friend who is grieving." The answer is that it's really different for everyone. I bought her some flowers and checked in on her and reminded her she had my support and I gave her space. When I lost my mom shortly after, those are the things I needed most. I received such an outpouring of messages and flowers and love. It showed me how many people support me and also how many people loved my mom. I remember every single message I got - even if it was small. Even if I wasn't feeling like responding.My life will always be different from the moment I got that phone call. My family is forever changed and so are my friendships. Friends are the family you choose. I've always felt that way. I had many friends really be an extra family to me and when I am able to, I will be that family back to them.
My mom had such a way with people. She would easily make friends with strangers and soon they would become friends and then family. As an immigrant, she didn't have a lot of family nearby and had to make her own. The result is decades of lasting friendships and more "aunts" than I can count. It's a skill I used to have but have been having trouble with lately. Now that my family is less whole, I need it more than ever.
You Will Re-evaluate Relationships
I've thought a lot about relationships since my mom passed away. It's made me appreciate my friends so much more. The amount of support I received was truly touching. I had friends come out of the wood works, friendships that weren't left in good places, to show support and it meant a lot to me. I also had friends that had gotten mad at me for petty thing, remain silent. It really confirmed for me that they were friendships worth losing.I think a lot about relationships with family friends. There were so many people that my mom connected and she was really my bridge to those family friends. I think a lot about how those relationships will be in the future without her connecting us. I hope that through Facebook and the addresses I have from my wedding, that will be enough but I know some connections will be lost and it hurts to think about which.
Lastly, I think about my relationship with myself. There's always some amount of guilt when you lose someone. Did I visit enough? Could I have made her feel more special? Why didn't I take more pictures? It's so easy to be guilty after a loss and I spend so much of my energy convincing myself that I did as well as I could.
You'll Remember What's Important.
Through this loss, I've had a profound reshaping of what's important to me. I just can't deal with little drama. All of that seems so insignificant in the big picture of things. I don't care if you're fighting - call your mom, be there for your friends, and support your family.In that vein, my goal for the future is to remember the important things my mom taught me. She had such a way with people. She made friends with strangers. She made our family into a group of people who didn't have to share blood. She threw the best parties. She shared all of those traits with me and I hope to use them more in the future. I think at some point recently, I lost my way. I forgot how to do all of those things and it made me feel really disconnected. Through the mourning, it didn't get any better. Now that there's been some time though, I'm finding that again.
The point is - the people in our lives are the most important thing. My mom knew that. She always made time for her friends and hated excluding people. I want to take the best part of her and make it a key part of my life as well. As more time passes since I lost her, I see that the best way to remember her should be to embody the things I respected about her and forget the things I did not.
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