Breech, Birth, Breastfeeding, and Beyond

I had a baby! It's been a wild ride and I've had lots of thoughts (of course). This post has been a long time coming but a new baby means less free time so here goes.

Breech

I haven't thought of myself as being a type A personality in years (maybe since I left finance half a dozen years ago), but that's what I am. I need a plan and for everything to be organized and in place. While it's relaxed in some areas over time like not micro managing my vacations - when I think about it, so many areas of my life that need structure and schedule in order for me to feel calm about my life.

In pregnancy, that kind of organization came in really helpful. When I wasn't feeling 100%, it helped me prioritize the things that were important to me. It helped me have a plan for throwing our own (pretty large) baby shower. I took apart all the things we had to do to prepare for baby and tackled them one week at a time so that we were basically ready the whole last month. It lead me to reading 5 pregnancy/birth books and come up with a strategy to have a kickass, natural birth.

The downside is that babies are unpredictable. Every person, baby, and pregnancy is different. Even though I had a plan for everything, my baby decided to be breech. Let's just say, I didn't take this news well. First, I was pissed. I had been asking my doctor about the baby's position, and she said "It seems like the butt is probably up, but I'll do an ultrasound at 36 weeks. We can't try to move them earlier than that." Well, the doctors can't do anything earlier, but natural flipping like exercises, chiropractors, massage, and acupuncture are more likely to work the earlier you can start. Even though I tried some of these techniques, the odds of them working were diminishing. I cried when the reality that I'd have a c-section set it. And finally, I sucked it up and decided I'd have to be calm about what I was going to go through.

This was devastating news to me, but also a big reminder that life doesn't go your way and you have to deal with it. I could have continued to be mad and sad about it, but that wouldn't help anything. Of course, it wasn't ideal but I decided to be calm instead. I also got to have my baby the week I wanted, so there was that.

Birth

For me, the pregnancy experience was as important as the baby. I wanted to know what it was like to grow a human... and that includes giving birth. I was so prepared for a natural birth (and also understood that it might not go that way!). I wanted to know what it felt like to have contractions or your water break and make that run to the hospital. I wanted to yell at Dan and push and give birth to a baby. I've heard so many women say giving birth made them feel so strong and it was an incredible experience despite the pain.

I didn't get any of that.

I do not tell anyone that I gave birth, I say, "I had a baby" because I didn't do anything... birth happened to me. I feel robbed of that experience and it was one of the reasons I was so upset about the breech situation.

With that said... I had a really pleasant experience. To me, a c-section was a very undesirable outcome (also it's bizarre that you're awake through a major abdominal surgery!!), and I think the operating team knows that so they try to make it as easy for you as possible. It's definitely surreal having an appointment to give birth, but that's what it was. We showed up at the hospital, I filled out some papers and paid a deductible, was monitored and hooked up to the IVs. They checked that the baby was still breech and then I walked into an operating room where they numbed me up.

What really made the experience enjoyable was the operating team. Every nurse and the doctor kept saying we were going to a birthday party and were so enthusiastic. Dan and I were like "Oh, I guess it is a birthday!" We hadn't thought of it that way. During the procedure, you really feel nothing. When the baby was born, they announced it was a girl and we had our little Brooke! I got a decent amount of time with the baby before they took her away, and I was able to do skin to skin within the hour. I didn't have any issues breastfeeding or with my milk coming in.

I'm not going to lie, having surgery is still rough. I had about 12 hours where I was hooked up to IVs and catheters and after that I was expected to try to walk (do the walk though - it helps you heal faster!). Being in good shape helped a lot though and I was able to go home a day earlier than most c-section patients. The recovery is the hardest part for sure and the hardest part of the recovery were actually the days that I felt good - I had a false sense of healing and would quickly over do it and be in pain. It's also weird that in some ways, the recovery was easier than late pregnancy. You're  a normal size and you can move your body easier (and no more sciatic or pelvic pain!), but then you do something and the incision starts hurting. However, after about 4 weeks, I started feeling better for real and was cleared to exercise at 6 weeks.

I just have to reiterate - being in shape helped a lot! By the time I found out Brooke was breech, it was too late to get in shape. Having already been there through my pregnancy and the recovery was so helpful in easing the process.

Breastfeeding

Breastfeeding is hard. I don't want to scare anyone away from it but it's hard. I found the lactation consultants and all the information people throw at you to be really overwhelming. You're trying to do this seemingly natural thing and you have someone going "drop the shoulder! don't hold her head! rub your nipple in her face!" and then they slam a baby's mouth onto your breast.. and of course you're totally unable to recreate this situation once they leave. You also have nurses examining your nipples and reporting anything they think may be an issue. It's a lot.

So.. it's no surprise that I went home and totally did it wrong. First - when they tell you it's not supposed to hurt, that's very misleading. It's not supposed to hurt a lot. You're not supposed to bleed or have severe pain. However, it does kind of hurt, especially at the beginning of a feed. It's also a lot to get used to how much friction your nipples are going through now. They have to toughen up. It's totally normal to be sore.

Soreness was just one issue that I faced. I also had blocked ducts, a minor case of mastitis, a lanolin allergy (that stuff the nurses give you to ease the soreness, that I was basically lathering on for 4 weeks straight and wondering why I was still hurting)... all in the first month! I was just lucky that I had a solid milk supply and a baby that loved to breastfeed. Once we realized that she wasn't latching correctly and not getting enough milk to gain weight, I was able to adjust and feed her properly (including supplementing with some bottles of breast milk).

However, once those issues worked out, it got so much better. Brooke got better at latching and I was in pain less. Our middle of the night sessions that used to be a nightmare, became a breeze as she'd quickly latch on and drink for 10-20 minutes before falling back asleep. She started gaining about an ounce a day. I didn't need to supplement with bottles as often because her nursing got so much more efficient. I learned how to adjust my supply and built up a freezer stash (that had depleted with the mastitis. The original supply was collected in a Haakaa just from leaking. It's still an issue and I've collected about two ounces just while writing this post.).

I'd read that this usually happens around 3-4 weeks. It took us about 5-6. That's why I wanted to say that it's really hard and it's different for everyone but if this is something you want to do DON'T GIVE UP. There were so many times I was hurting or frustrated and just wanted to give up. Giving the bottled breast milk helped a lot, but I also just needed to tough it out. Sometimes it feels like I got all the pain I missed from childbirth spread out over the weeks of learning how to breastfeed.

Also - I read somewhere to not waste money on nursing clothes. Forget that! Buy what makes you comfortable. Yes, you can probably just get bras and wear loose t-shirts. However, after birth, you're probably going to be a different size. I really liked buying some nursing dresses and tops so I had some clothes I fit into while I work on getting back into shape. In general, I've bought so many things to help with breastfeeding that it's a little ridiculous. How did cavemen do this?

Beyond

And now we have a baby!!! It's still surreal to me that we have this little person that we're totally in charge of. It simultaneously feels like we borrowed her and also that she's always been part of our family. It's such a weird adjustment, but we love her and can't wait to see how she develops.

Motherhood is surreal. You hear a lot of women talk about the surge of emotions they have after giving birth... but I didn't give birth. It took about a day but the first surge I had was just holding her, this perfect little innocent baby, and realizing that some day someone would make fun of her, or hurt her, or break her heart and why would anyone do that to this little baby??? It's still crazy to think about, especially with all the pain in the world, and to also realize that everyone was someone's baby once.

Harley has also taken well to motherhood. We were worried about her being jealous (and the barking, which to be honest, is definitely a huge issue still) but instead she instead went into protective mama bear mode. It took her about a day to realize Brooke was an important, defenseless puppy and needed her full attention. She sleeps by the bassinet and always has to get a good sniff when we bring Brooke home to make sure she's ok. We constantly joke that Brooke is her baby. Callie has sniffed the baby like twice since we brought her home and could not be reached for comment.

One of the hardest parts for me, has been feeling a little cut off. People say they'll visit but few do (those few are amazing though). I know I've been guilty of this as well, but it's tough being on the receiving end. I had thoughts that Brooke and I would leave the house a lot during my maternity leave but I find it a lot harder than I expected because it throws off her eating and sleeping schedule. I'm hoping it will get better as she gets a little bigger.

This 6 week mark has been big for us. I feel so much better from the birth and surgery. Brooke is starting to smile and interact. We're getting used to our new life, and figuring out how things are going to work day-to-day long term. We're lucky that we've had a relatively easy baby but she does still cry when she's hungry or wants cuddles (sometimes just from Mom) and that can be tiring. For all of the work though, I wouldn't trade it for the world.